Dear Editor,
I am writing to you in the hope that you will look at my manuscript. This is a true story about a guy who goes to a land where few white men have ever ventured. Someone who has taken a lot of chances and has tried to make his mark in the world. I think it will provide the thrills and understandings that are gained when travelling ‘off the beaten track’. I am intending to send this to the guys at Lonely Planet as well so please send me a decision as soon as possible.
My name is Robbie Crusoe (I know, just like the guy in the book). I think that when my parents named me they created a ready-made destiny as an explorer, and I have fulfilled this. I set out from Hull nearly 10 years ago as part of the crew of an ocean going yacht. (My parents wanted me to join Dad’s law firm, but I said after 5 years at university there was no way I was joining an office). My journey has allowed me to share my knowledge with the colored people and I have made the world a better place.
When we got to Egypt I thought I would do a side trip to check out the pyramids and other similar crumbling ruins. I thought the Middle East would be like the Sinbad or Aladdin stories, or something similar. Oases, harems, camels and dates. I was hoping I might strike up a relationship with Sheik, rock the Kasbah, (you know the scene). Well I couldn’t have been more wrong.
My God what chaos! Dust. Stinking sewers (They haven’t even invented toilet paper). Rip offs everywhere (Trust no-one! Seriously!) And chicks. Man, where were they? The only women I saw were about 82 and dressed from head to toe in black capes, sort of like the one Batman wears. No thanks. It was dangerous too. Everywhere I went there was some dude giving me the evils. Got disturbed and sometimes awaken by noisy prayer calls from mosques, I mean seriously those people are really held back by religion. I wasn't able to get my hands on any pork either because those weirdoes think it's a sin to eat.
Robbie Crusoe.
Greeting Mr Crusoe,
Thanks for your outline. I am sure the manuscript would come under the category of a ‘rattling good yarn’. The only problem is that rattling good yarns have fallen out of fashion for the past fifty years. Hadn’t you noticed? I will go through a few features of your narrative and try to point out parts that readers will find offensive, or perhaps ridiculous.
First of all your notions of the Middle East seem to be based on old children’s stories and Walt Disney cartoons. As a conceptual framework to make sense of a contemporary society, this is rather inadequate. It is like using Tin Tin as a reference book. Many of your complaints in this initial part of your narrative are linked to the fact that you are judging a traditional society based in a dry, arid region while using the terms of a western society based in a wet temperate climate. As for your perceptions about the availability of women (the only women I saw were about 82), access to upper strata of society (strike up a relationship with Sheik,) and similar observations. It seems naïve to believe that the upper echelons of any society would immediately want to befriend you purely because you are a young white male. You seem to have manifested a degree of paranoia (check out the word Xenophobia, see if it rings a bell) when you mention “Everywhere I went there was some dude giving me the evils”.
You also might want to do some research on Islam as your lack of knowledge on the Religion is appalling and very inappropriate. Please be aware that we have absolutely no interest in your manuscript. Good luck with Lonely Planet.
The Editor.
Dear Editor,
I think you have overlooked the importance of my letter. Not only do I tell my story. I have listened to their story as well, and I'm going to re-tell it for them. I'm going to be their voice! I think it's the least I can do. They live in a monstrous place and do not understand the values WE have as whites.
After the tumultuous journey that left my ship wrecked in a storm, my lust for the sea only grew stronger. It was a hard time in Egypt, couldn't get service on my mobile for weeks and nobody seemed to know where I could charge my phone! Had no TV, and lost my laptop in the shipwreck. I felt as though I was living in my grandfather's time. My time in Egypt didn't go to waste though, as I mentioned before, I'd been able to successfully teach the people our proper ways and felt as though I had improved their way of life. They are pretty dumb but that doesn't mean they can't be trained. Even animals can be trained. I told them that by allowing foreigners into the country to gather resources, we could help them develop. I taught them how to store the products they gathered in large barrels, and contained foods such as fish and vegetables in ice. I mean seriously, they have no idea what value they can get from their resources. We are going to make heaps out of their labor. It's important that my manuscript is taken seriously because I have not yet informed our people of the resources that are waiting for us in Egypt. Plus, I'm practically part of history.
I set out to sea again but my journey ended disastrously when my ship got taken over by Sale pirates. I knew they wouldn’t kill me as I had too much to offer. I guess they could tell by the way I handled myself and my ship. They took all I owned but thankfully spared my life and instead sold me to an Arab. I think he was a prince or someone of high status. He impressed me with his fluent English. He must have been in our part of the world for a while to pick up such good language, either that or have been influenced by white people. I was carried away by two giant Negros and I don't remember much after that. I think they must have drugged me as I woke up a slave of a Moor. A Moor! Can you believe it? Me, a white man! I tried to explain that I was an explorer from Europe, but they couldn't understand what I was saying. These people obviously don't know how things are run in the real world. There was another white prisoner working in the same building as me. One time when he gave me a bottle of whiskey. He told me to keep it on the low but I didn’t see why so instead I got drunk in the garden. How was I to know that alcohol was also a sin in that part of the world?! I ended up getting 70 lashes on my bare back and then sent to jail. Talk about a crappy legal system!
You would not believe how I was being treated, a developed man living in this backwards place only led to trouble. I went from being the slave of a Moor to being a slave of the prison wards. It was the worst two years of my life. The jail conditions sucked and the other prisoners acted like animals! The place was trashed and the food…How I craved for a big mac and fries. I hadn’t laid my eyes on a woman for the entire period. I missed the scent, the touch and the company of a beautiful woman. I knew that I'd be irresistible to the women in Egypt, which is why the men kept their ladies so covered up and far away from me. I didn’t really mingle with the other prisoners, only because I felt too advanced to be able to stay interested in their conversation. All they talked about was how God would protect us and eventually set us free. I didn't have faith in this happening though. I just kept plotting on how I would get myself out of there. There was this one boy, Xury was his name. He was civil and a beneficial looking guy, just like us. We eventually managed to outsmart the prison guards and escape on a boat.
Things got better after that, when a captain of a Portuguese ship rescued me off the coast of Africa. His name was Captain Fredriko. I told him what I'd been through and he promised to introduce me to some beautiful Brazilian girls once we got to Brazil. Man was I excited - I couldn’t sleep for days! Finally, I was going to make contact with some women! I'm sure that they must be excited to have heard about my arrival.
Captain Fredriko and I clicked immediately and spent many nights chatting about the ignorance of the world. Even though he was no white man, Fredriko gained my respect from day one. He was living proof that outsiders could be trusted and understood. When we arrived in Brazil he helped me become the owner of a plantation where I was able to make enough money to build my own ship. I was happy that I would be able to continue my journey.
Robbie Crusoe
Dear Mr Crusoe
Your second letter has indeed caught my eye not because it would make a good manuscript, but because of your talent to yet again amaze me with your ignorance. Have you not taken in anything I mentioned in my first letter? Your disregard of the views of other people's society will not be a successful story.
I'm appalled by your reference to the natives as animals being able to be trained. These are real people who are trying to make a living, not specimens for you to make an experiment out of. They are not labor machines and don’t deserve to be taken advantage of, not by you or anyone else. Many are very talented, respectful and open-minded, three qualities that you are lacking in. I doubt they would need or even want someone as arrogant as you re-telling stories that they can tell on their own, in their own way, through their own eyes. The only history you'll be making is as the man with the most Eurocentric view on the world.
The way in which you make white people sound so superior to anybody else is absolutely ridiculous. Being from Europe does not mean you own authority over other people, especially when you are a visitor in their land. Your letters portray yourself as being some sort of hero in these places, helping them in becoming another version of Europe. It seems to me that you just want gain authority over the orient – which you are not entitled for. Taking two years to 'outsmart' prison guards is not something I'd brag about.
It's seems as though anybody who has links to women automatically gain your respect. Women today would just see you as being desperate and pathetic. I am sorry but we are not interested in your manuscript.
The Editor.
Dear Editor,
I understand your concern about my manuscript. However I think you are missing out on an amazing opportunity to create a best seller. I'd like to add that I think my manuscript should be made into a movie, my character to be played by Bruce Willis.
Years after I took to land in Brazil I came up with the idea of a genius. I would bring slaves from Africa. This would give them something to do other than being a waste of space. They could be trained to do labor and the dirty work that we don’t have time for. Not to mention, for only a small percentage of the wage that a white man would demand for! I decided that these people could be put to good use; all they needed was guidance from a professional and we'd be making some real money! I prepared my ship for sea and set off to Africa. I was really excited about this mission as I knew it would be a big success in Europe. Not to mention beneficial for both us and them. I would be able to create jobs for hundreds of unemployed men and women in Africa plus improve the lives of the Europeans.
On the way to Africa I felt invincible. I knew that once I got to Africa I'd be treated as a God, king, a savior. I knew that the whole world had the same aspirations in life, our aspirations, to be rich and happy. So I was confident that the Africans would be pleased about moving into a continent of the highest, finest civilization and away from the strange and savage stuff of their country.
I arrived in Africa on September 27th and immediately felt concerned about the place. These people were dirty and lazy and if nobody helped them they would not survive to the age of 40. They obviously had no education about the planet or the fact that they were hunting endangered species. I met with a man named Lamahar who explained to me that foreigners pay big money for animal skin and tusks and that is why they were killing them. I felt grief when I thought of how unaware the Africans were of endangered species and the fact that others were exploiting them like this. They were being tricked into evil.
The Africans were also very unfriendly with each other. During the two days I was there I witnessed three tribal raids. They would kill each other, like wild beasts fighting over the last piece of meat! It was disturbing. I had to leave. I gathered up 300 Africans and packed them onto my ship. I was happy to be the guy who saves their lives. I wish I could have saved more, but I was convinced that this wouldn’t be my last import.
On the 30th of September my ship got shipwrecked. I managed to save myself in a small evacuation boat with the Captains two cats and dog. I also managed to grab a sack of arms and tools before the ship got swept away in the waves. I had never been so frightened in my entire life because my friends and family still believed I was in Brazil. Nobody would come looking for me, and even if they did they wouldn’t find me. In the boat I made it alive and discovered an island which I named Crusoe's white paradise.
On my island I found a cave which provided me with shelter. I built a fence with the tools I brought from the ship which allowed me to feel safe and somehow protected even though I was the only human on the island. I felt as though it was a new home and a new beginning for me as a real explorer. I decided to keep a calendar of the days that passed by carving marks into a wooden cross I had built from a tree trunk outside my cave. I had found a pocket sized bible in the sack which I would read everyday – it made me realize how lucky I was and I thanked God everyday as nothing was missing in my life except contact with other human beings. I could have been dead but instead I was blessed with everything I needed on my beautiful island for one. I grew corn and rice in a field out back and caught fish in the waters. I dried grapes and made raisins for the winter. The island had a few goats which I milked. I was thankful for being so blessed and educated.
It was a lonely island. Some days more than others but the island parrot who I named Stereo would fly by and keep me company sometimes. He was beautiful and would sing and sometimes repeat what I would say. It wasn't the ideal company but it was definitely better than nothing. Years had passed and my calendar was running out of space to mark the days. I felt as though id grown so much as a man and explorer. And now here I was, the king of my very own island.
About two years later while I was out picking berries on the south side of the island, I heard a voice. It sounded ruthless and was speaking in a language I was unfamiliar with. I peaked over the bushes making sure I wouldn’t be seen and to my surprise I saw a pack of heavy built men carrying another man away on some sort of skewer! Cannibals! On my island! I couldn’t believe it! It was a big island but never before had I come across any other people. I followed them for about 3 hours to their territory. They had men tied to trees, with their legs and arms also tied together. I was horrified with what I saw. I thought about my options on what I should do. First I thought I should kill these beasts for committing an abomination, but then I realized that these people are innocent – just like children. They don't know any better. It would be wrong for me to kill them for committing a crime they were unaware of. Instead I thought my best bet would be to save the two prisoners that were tied to the tree trunks. They could help me build a ship and get back to Europe.
Robbie C.
Dear Editor,
I am still waiting for your response to my previous letter. I understand that you are probably busy getting details sorted for the publication. The story gets better and so I've decided to send you the final chapter of my manuscript.
I was on the other side of the island as I waited till dark and crept up to the tree. I was able to save one of the boys, and decided to name him iPod after the technological device I missed most. Over the next few years I taught him English and was able to re-programme him in the Western model, he treated me as his master for saving his life. He was behaving like one of us now and my respect for him kept growing. Together we managed to kill most of the natives on the island. Thank God I had my superior tools and weapons from the ship because they were much bigger and stronger than me and iPod. We would have never made it alive. We managed to save another two prisoner's though, one being iPods father and the other a Spaniard. I knew this was the right thing to do after all iPod had been a faithful servant to me during the past years. Besides we needed more men to help build our ship which was making slow process due to only having me and iPod working on it.
The rescued Spaniard informed me that there were other Spaniards shipwrecked on the mainland. Ipod and I devised a plan in which his father and the Spaniard would bring the others back to help us get the ship built. I felt heroic as I instructed the men on what to do and in no time our ship was built and now we could finally be on our way.
On the way back to England I thought about the years that had passed. The things I learnt and the people I met. I now had a strong belief in God and his way of keeping people alive, people who needed to be alive to tell their story or to make history. It was an unbelievable experience and I couldn’t wait to share it with my mates. I knew they wouldn’t believe me just like you didn’t after reading my first letter, but after hearing about the risks I took, a single man in the craziest places, I knew my story would be taken notice of.
Waiting patiently for more information.
Robbie C
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