Rational People

At that time I didn’t know why she feigned that she was mad. I knew why she had been pretending, but when I saw Edward coming in with Miss Eyre, Mr. Mason and ministers from the church I thought it was over. But she still pretended. And I didn’t understand why she was acting crazy. Not really sure if I could have made any difference even if I knew the reason earlier. Not really sure of it. But every time when I looked at the blackened ruins of Thornfield Hall I had this strong feeling that it was an inevitable tragedy. It was not something happened instantly. It grew there for more than a decade with her deep sorrow, pain, despair, hatred and vengeance. And when I recalled her face right before she jumped off the tower, I thought it was not just those feelings she had towards him but the satisfaction of achieving what she lived for, the purpose that she had to maintain her life. She had her revenge but it was not the only reason she looked happy. Some people said it was because she was crazy and she didn’t know what she was doing. I didn’t think so. Not just because I was aware of the fact that she was in her right mind but also I could understand her at some level. I was the only companion she had and she existed only because I was there. Yes I was there.

I was born at Thornfield Hall. My mother was a servant of John Rochester, the grandfather of Edward Rochester. Nobody knew who my father was because she never got married. Although I could hear people talking about my mother sneaking out of Mr. Rochester’s room one night. I didn’t think he was my father. He never treated me as one of his own even when my mother left the world. I lost my only family but nothing actually changed. I served three generations of Rochester family and they were all gentle and rational people. I especially liked little Edward because I was his nanny. I watched him growing into an adult from a little crybaby. I never had a family after my mother died and I felt like we were a family, me and Edward. But after Edward left Thornfield it was me left alone again. Nothing really changed as always. It was like emotions were not allowed to me because there was nothing for me to feel. Everyday routine was a life itself. It just flowed like a river, and I just followed like fish.

When I knew Edward was coming back from Jamaica to inherit the fortune of his dead father and brother my heart pounded again. I didn’t know which day he would arrive so I went outside strolling quite often. I thought his comeback could be a turning point of my life. I was worried too because I felt like I flowed too far and I was not sure if I could awaken my soul again. But with uncertain hopes I was feeling livelier than ever since he left. One night he came back but he seemed different somehow and anxious. Firstly I thought it was his pain of losing his family but it was Mrs. Rochester he brought together actually.

The night he came back without any prior notice he called me out quietly and said “Grace, since my father and brother all passed away you are the only one left in the world whom I can trust. You always have been just like a mother to me and that’s why I am going to ask you a big favor.”

I said “Master you can ask me anything that’s why I’m here.”

“I married to this woman when I was in overseas and that was my father’s will. Now I’m the master and head of Rochester family. It is not custom for a respectable English man to marry a foreign woman. And most of all I don’t even love her.”

“What do you want me to do, sir?”

“You know the north tower where no one lived? There is a chamber on the top of the tower. I want her to live there.”

“And what should I do, sir?”

“I want you to stay with her. And keep her existence unknown to anybody.”

“You want me to guard her, sir?”

“I’m not locking her Grace. I just don’t want other people to know about my marriage. But since it is my responsibility to take care of her I want you to stay with her and fulfill her needs.”

“Will do, sir.”

That was the long waited reunion of me and Edward. Nothing was changed.

“You can call me Bertha.”

That was the first sentence she spoke to me. I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing. No, I didn’t think if it was the right thing. I just did what they asked me and it was so natural like we were built in that way. I didn’t even think how long Edward planned to keep her there. I spent most of the time in the tower and people started looking at me like a ghost. It was fine because we didn’t have much to talk anyway. It was always the same routines and the same stories. Edward sometimes came to the room and talked with Bertha. Mostly she remained calm but sometimes she argued with him.

“I’m sorry Bertha but it is for your own good. Your people still live in hard conditions. Although we do our best to provide education and developed culture still so many people suffer because of ignorance and starvation. I can provide everything you need and you don’t have to suffer from anything.” Edward said.

“Who are you do decide what is a better life and what is worse. It is your own criteria and you can’t force that into other people Edward!” Bertha said.

“Bertha. You don’t understand because you can’t understand. I just want to take good care of you.”

“That’s what you think, you are to save us, protect us, illuminate us. But you are just abusing for your own good. And you still justify and convince yourself. Under self-hypnosis you actually believe that you are doing the right thing. Edward. This is disgusting!”

It was almost a routine as well. He came to the room once in a while with a tender smile but always left with his face flushed.

The time I spent in the room increased even more. I didn’t eat with other servants and rather brought food to the tower to eat with Bertha. It wasn’t sympathy towards her but I just felt more comfortable spending time with her. We had nothing in common so I tried to tell her what was happening in the world as much as possible otherwise we had nothing to talk. But the fact was I didn’t know much about the world as well. So the stories always were limited to what was going on in Thornfield Hall and Edward. I told her about Adele and one handsome foreigner who visited Edward. When she heard about Adele she didn’t show any reaction but when I told her about this foreign gentleman she asked me if he ever left Thornfield Hall with Edward while he was staying here. I said it was unlikely according to other servants. She sighed deeply and talked.

“Grace. When there are people suffering from the same cause, there are still people among them who prey on the others. Even their own family.”

“I don’t understand Bertha.”

“The man you described, he must be my brother. I told you my father used to own a big plantation. He made his wealth by cooperating with colonizers. But it had to shut down because he was preyed on by other traitors too. I’m sure he came here to ask Edward for money. They didn’t go out together so I know he didn’t lie that I was dead already and since he left without seeing me. I think they have a deal now.”

After that Bertha pretended to be insane and it had been already 5 years since she arrived at Thornfield Hall. At first I thought she really had gone crazy because she had to spend her life in the room everyday and the presence of Edward in the room could trigger her insanity. But if Edward wasn’t in the room she just came back normal instantly. Edward didn’t ask about it and I didn’t feel any need to report him since he wasn’t curious. Time just flew as always and nothing was changed.

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When it was about 13 years since Bertha arrived one day Edward held a party at Thornfield Hall. He traveled a lot and joined with many respectable people but never brought people to Thornfield. I didn’t know what changed him and I wasn’t really curious too.

“Grace I can hear many people. Is he hosting a party?” Bertha said.

“Yes, many respectable people are here socializing including Blanche Ingram and her mother and sister.” I said.

“Well, that’s not normal.”

“People are saying that he is getting married with Miss Ingram soon.”

That was the first time I saw her bright-eyed.

“If my brother finds out that Edward is getting married soon he will think of it as a good chance to ask him for more money. And If Edward tells him that I am insane now he will come to see me. After all he is my brother.”

Sometime It was surprising that she could see further than other people even she was locked inside. As she predicted Mr. Mason came to visit Edward soon and that night Edward brought Mr. Mason to the room in the tower. But as soon as they entered the room Bertha suddenly flew at her brother screaming and bit Mr. Mason. We could hear people waking up by the sound and Edward had to leave the room to pacify the guests. Mr. Mason looked horrified and Bertha approached him and said.

“Now listen carefully otherwise you are going to ruin the plan I prepared for the past 10 years. You go to the wedding and declare the existence of an impediment. He will bring people here to explain why he had to lock me in the chamber. Then I will reveal what he has done to me and claim his fortune. We can be rich if only you do not make mistakes. “

Mr. Mason was stunned.

“So you have been pretending to be insane for this?” He said.

“Yes I could run anytime but no one would believe me as he is a respectable English man and I’m just a half-blood. I need him to disclose it himself.” She said.

“Bertha. Are you serious?”

“I have waited for so long for this day to come. Don’t ruin this.”

Mr. Mason nodded.

Bertha didn’t tell Mr. Mason who he was going to marry but she knew it was Miss Eyre. She knew that Edward was playing a mind game with her and Miss Eyre had feelings for him too. Bertha said she in fact ignited feelings between them by literally igniting Edward’s room. So when I heard Edward was marrying Miss Eyre I felt that the entire Thornfield Hall was dancing to her tune. And as her planned Edward brought people to the chamber and revealed Bertha in front of everybody. Miss Eyre looked shocked and Mr. Mason was waiting for Bertha to open her mouth but she still feigned that she was crazy. I didn’t know why at that time. And even if I knew there was nothing I could do because no one asked me. And I was just a bystander again.

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The morning when Edward realized the disappearance of Miss Eyre, he was out of his mind. He contacted everybody he knew for help and couldn’t rest at all. He didn’t eat, he didn’t sleep for three days and that’s when Edward came to the chamber and talked to Bertha.

“Hello Edward. What took you so long? I have been waiting for you for so long” She said.

“So it was you who called Mason. It is strange. Somehow I always felt that you were just pretending to be crazy to fool me. Even when you tried to burn the whole place, even when you harmed yourself so bad and almost died. A part of my mind always thought those were not real. And now I know that you are not crazy for sure but in my eyes you look crazier than ever!” He said.

“Because sane people, no inferior and sane people can’t dare challenge you right?”

“What do you want Bertha? How did you do that?”

“Oh Edward you just want to know why those happened. You are such a rational man, can’t stand left out without understanding can you? It is you who built yourself in this way. You tell me first Edward. Why her? You said it is not custom for a man with a large fortune to marry a half-blood like me. Then what about a governess from a poor family? How did she snatch you? Tell me Edward.”

Edward didn’t say anything but his hands were shaking.

“I will tell you Edward. You thought marrying Miss Eyre was saving her too. Thought you could ease your burden, thought you could be redeemed by marring one little, obscure, plain and poor woman. Oh Edward. Accepting Adele as your ward even she is a daughter of the woman who hurt your pride. You always tried to be a protector but what you wanted was to save your soul. But you can never save your soul Edward.” She said.

“You are wrong! She is different. She may not be the most beautiful woman in the country but she can see through me, she can understand the pain I have. She can express herself in front of me despite of the difference in our social status. I am happy with her. My feelings are pure!” He said.

“That is what I was telling you Edward. You expect us to stay passive, to just receive not lead. And her being active and passion to knowledge charmed you. But we always have been equal just not recognized. I was always the subject of my life not an object.”

“I … … I just wanted to protect you Bertha.”

“Lie! You never treated me as an equal. You abused me. You approached me for the wealth of my family but as soon as you inherited a large fortune I was just an obstacle to you. Do you think I am just an animal, that I can bare it? Do you think, because I'm a woman, mixed blood, uneducated and not baptized that I have no heart? That I am without soul? I have as much heart as you, and as much soul.”

Edward lit a cigarette and inhaled it deeply.

“You had many chances to run.” He said.

“You had many chances to just kill me before ugly things like this happened. But you couldn’t kill me because of your twisted conscience and pride.” She said.

“You had many chances to kill me too.”

“Yes I had many chances to kill you when you were in a sleep. But death was a mercy for what you did.”

“What do you want Bertha?”

“Nothing. I achieved my purpose. You will regret for your entire life. That will leave you scarred for life. Even she forgives you, you won’t be happy because you won’t be able to forgive yourself. I will engrave it in your mind. I have waited for this moment for so long.”

She picked up the candle and set fire to curtains. The old and dusty curtains burned so quickly and swallowed everything in the room.

“You are a rational man. You could always hide behind your gentle mask and convinced yourself that you did the right thing. But Edward you will never be able to forget what you did to me and what you made me into. In your dream, in your subconscious, in your blank mind it will always come back to haunt you. You will wake up in the middle of night screaming because you will dream of my blackened body.” She said.

I had to run out and wake up other servants. But I could hear Edward begging her to come out of the room.

When everybody woke up and ran out of Thornfield Hall I saw her at the window of the chamber. Edward still didn’t come out and some of the mail servants ran into the tower to save him.

I looked at Bertha and for a short moment I thought she looked at me as well.

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Once she said she existed because I was there. She said although we breathe and eat and sleep, we couldn’t exist unless there was someone to recognize. And Bertha said I was also a prisoner of Thornfield Hall just like her. I didn’t understand it. I was not able to understand many things in deed. Edward lost his eyes from the fire and moved into a small country house in Thornfield. Sometimes I went to the remains of Thornfield Hall to recall and try to understand what I missed. And one day I found Miss Eyre standing on the ruins.

“Miss Eyre is that you?”

“Grace! Oh thank god you are fine. What on earth happened here? Is Mr. Rochester fine?”

“Oh Miss Eyre, we have a lot to talk about. What happened in Thornfield after you left and more importantly before you came.”

Maybe Miss Eyre could help me I thought. My name is Grace Poole and I was too a prisoner of Thornfield Hall, but I never thought I was.