Hang's rewrite Final

I still couldn't believe that I was killed until I felt that I no longer belong to my own body, losing the warmth feeling from the air. I was killed, one shot in the head by my most beloved one, unbelievable. This whole mess was… unbelievable.

Southern Vietnam in the early 1960s was chaos. Our village was already so poor then the government came and took the rest of the food. I was only four. All I could remember was my mom hugging a soldier’s leg, begging him to leave us some rice. “My child, please have mercy for my child. I beg you. Please think of the poor boy.” She said, voice trembling in tears but there was nothing she could do to get back what was taken. He kicked her over and over, tried to shake her off. I remember he said something like “be honourable” and “for the nation”. And then they left, the soldiers, with our food, drained our village to its last drop. Nothing left for us to live onto. 

That night Kim’s mother and mine left us and headed to the woods. Kim was crying when her mother gave her to me, “she hasn’t gotten anything to eat for the whole day, the poor girl” she said, trying so hard not to cry. My mother gave us two tiny rolls of burnt rice leftover from yesterday and then they left. Kim cried louder and I couldn’t help but join her. I was four years old and Kim was two at the time.

As we grew up, we’d gotten used to the sign of the soldier coming to the village to take away the food. It wasn’t a pain to people anymore, as if giving their food away is a part of their life, produce food, give them away, produce more food and then give them away. Before we even knew how to talk, we already learnt field work. Before we could even harvest the rice, it was already taken away. By the end of the day, the girls followed their mothers to the woods, and brought home some wild vegetable and bulbs. Thanks to that, we continued living.

One day, as mother gave us half of her dinner as usual, father refused it and said to her, “We can’t live like this any longer. I can’t live on your blood, your flesh like this anymore. You eat it.”

Mother looked at him, she started to sob, “But dear, if you don’t eat enough, you won’t be able to work, we won’t get enough food for the soldiers, they will kill us.”

“I will think of something,” he said, “can’t be poor forever.” And the next morning he disappeared, and the morning after that, and the whole week, and the whole month, and one day he came back, his shirt filled with red colour spots, he gave us a bag of rice and then run away without saying anything. The next day soldiers came again, this time with some big white foreigners.

"Search for the VC", said one of the white men, in a language that we did not understand. "They ought to be from somewhere around here."

So the soldiers went to search the village and the villagers was bought to the central yard.

"What is going on?" One village elder asked as everyone else looked clueless to the soldier.

"Our men were killed around here." One of the soldiers said, his eyes looked down on our elder. Mother held my hand tight, so tight that it gave me the feeling she would fall if I shake it off.

"Is everyone here?" A soldier asked. No one said a word. "I asked, is everyone here?" He shouted. Mother's hand was shaking so violently.

"Sir, I found this." A soldier stomped out from our house, carrying the bag of rice my father left us.

"Whose house is that?" The white men asked in the foreign language and one of the soldiers asked us in Vietnamese. Mother no longer held my hand. The soldiers looked at all of us. 

"I repeat, whose house is that?" Everyone was too scared to answer. A loud bang came from the group of soldiers. Someone fell down with a bullet pinned to his head, and women started to scream. "I give you another chance to tell me whose house that is." Mother broke down and crawled over to hug the nearest soldier's legs.

"I beg you, I had no idea. I beg of you, I did not know my husband would dare to commit such a crime. I swear to the heavenly gods above, I beg for your forgiveness."

The soldiers quickly translated what my mother said to the white men and came back to my mother. "Where is he?"

"I don't know, he ran away, he did not say anything."

The soldier looked at the white man that stood at the center and shook his head. The white man stared at my mother for some second and said something.

"Tell him to show himself in one week or she will pay for his crime instead. We're being very understanding here. We could have killed you all for keeping such a criminal in this village."

They took my mother away and left. I stood still. Too scare to stop them from taking her away. I could feel my tears fall down from my eyes. It was not from fear, it was from hate, I hate them, I hate... myself.

 

That night Kim's parents came to our house, Kim followed them. Her father took my hands and held them tight in his.

"You're already fifteen right, Thuy?" He said.

I nodded.

"Kim is already thirteen. It's about time for you two to get together."

I stared at him, confused.

"You might think this is not the right time to talk about this, Thuy. But these days, no one knows when they will take our lives. Take Kim away and move on, my son, we at least want our blood to live on with you two."

I couldn't open my mouth to say anything.

"I know what happened today was hard on you." He continued. "But no one blames your father for what happened. We all know about him joining the Viet Cong. He did that for you, for your mother, for us."

"So you all know what happened but me?" My anger burst out. "Why didn't he tell me? Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"Because brother Three knew that you would follow him. What would happen to your mother if you both went?"

"What happens to my mother now?"

"Calm down, son. I know how you feel. I'm going to set off to look for your father. Your mother will be back here in no time." Kim's father looked into my eyes to assure me. "But promise me, if anything happens to us. Take Kim and go."

He stared at me and waited for my promise. I looked at Kim's mother and she nodded at me. I looked at Kim and her eyes beg me to stop her father from going.

"I will look for father. You stay."

"No, if anything happens to you what will I tell brother Three?"

"What if anything happens to you?"

"I have been living long enough, Thuy. And aunt Five Tu and Kim understands why I have to do this. You have a long life ahead, Thuy. And you have to take care of your aunt and Kim for me. No more arguing. Now promise me you will take care of them."

"Uncle Five..."

"Promise, Thuy. Promise me." His hand held me tighter than before. His voice sounded resolute. Kim looked at me with watery eyes. "Please." Her eyes asked me. I shook my head.

"I promise."

Kim burst into tears.

The next day Uncle Five sets off. Kim didn't come to see him. "That girl..." Uncle Five let out a long sigh. "I leave everything in your hands, son. I will be back as soon as possible with your father."

I nodded and bid him farewell. That day when the sun went down, there wasn't any sign of uncle Five. The next day, when the sun went down, Kim stood still at the village road, looking longingly into the woods. The next day, aunt Five told me to come and have dinner with them, Kim asked when uncle will come home. For the entire week, I worked on the field for both mine and Kim's family. There's no news from uncle Five nor from my parents. 

"I wonder if things are alright. A week has passed, hasn't it?" Aunt Five said during dinner.

"What if uncle Five can't find my father? What will happen to my mother?" I asked but more to myself than to aunt Five.

"She will be alright, Thuy. Your father won't leave her."

"Then what will they do to him when he turns up?"

Aunt Five didn't answer but I think I could imagine the scenario. We continued dinner in silence and I left to go back to my house after that. The night was cool and clear. I looked up and saw the sky filled with sparkling stars. If only this war had not happened, this would have been a perfect night. I wondered what the soldiers saw when they looked up to the sky. Did they see stars? Did they see choppers? Or did they see people who they had killed during the day? Or did they see anything at all? And then I thought about my father. What did he see? I shook my thought off and opened the front door to my house. It was pitch black and empty.

It was very early in the morning when I was woken up by the sound of people yelling and screaming in the village. I quickly put on some clothes when aunt Five slammed the door open and pulled Kim in.

"Aunt Five, what is happening in the village?"

"The soldiers are here and they are really angry. They shoot everyone they see. You and Kim go now."

"Why? What's happened?"

"No time to talk. Head to the woods and do not come back."

She pushed us to the back door and turned back to the village.

"Remember your words to uncle Five, Thuy. Go and do not head back. Don't let anyone see you."

Kim cried after her mother and tried to follow her but she came back to me as aunt Five looked at her in the eyes as if she said "If you don't go your father and I will never forgive you."

I took Kim's hand and left for the wood, trying to hide ourselves behind bushes. We walked and walked, deeper into the woods. Too scared to stop or look back. What mattered now was to live. The sound of the gun faded in the distance. Everything sank into silence and the only sound left was the sound of us walking on dead branches on the ground, and the sound of the morning birds, looking for something to eat.

"Are you hungry, Kim?" I asked when I thought we were finally safe.

Kim nodded.

"Stay here. I will look for something. Don't go anywhere."

She nodded again and I left her on the rock near there and headed off to the river. In this area the river was the richest resource. Back then, during lunch break when the field was too hot to work on, the boys set off to the river to swim and look for fishes, sometimes water snakes. Along the river there grew a lot of bushes that bore fruit for the whole year. Birds often came here to find food, too. Every child that lived near the woods knew what was edible and what was not. I walked along the river, collecting a big bunch of fruit that I used my shirt to hold when I heard sound coming from the woods. I quickly hid myself in a nearby bush.

"They should still be there looking around for more of us." Someone that was coming from the woods said. "If we act together, we can take them down as revenge for brother Three and sister Three."

"I can't believe that they would swallow their words and come back to kill everyone. Luckily I ran through the back door." I could recognize the voice of uncle Eight living in the back of the village. "Poor brother Five and sister Five. The Nguy soldiers thought that they worked for us. They killed both of them with brother Three and sister Three, too."

"How's about the kids?" One of the people asked. He didn't sound like someone from around here. He had a northern accent.

"Didn't see them. I think they ran away."

"You go look for them, Eight Su. You know their faces. Bring them to the headquarters and take care of them."  The man with the northern accent said. "The rest come with me to the village and prepare to fight."

When the others left, uncle Eight set off, too. I got out of my hiding place and called for him. He ran to me and quickly checked if I was alright then as a sight of relief, he hugged me tight.

"My god, you are alright, Thuy. I'm so sorry about your parents."

"I didn't have a chance to see them for the last time. Aunt Five told us to leave..."

"That's good, at least you don't have to see what has happened. Where is Kim?"

"She is waiting in the woods. I came here to look for some food."

"Let's go get her and we’ll bring you two to a safer place."

Then we walked together into the woods. I followed uncle Eight. All those times in that small village and I didn't recognize he worked for the Viet Cong. Like I didn't know where my father ran off to. I didn't know that our village was helping those people. I didn't know anything. I shook off my thoughts and ran towards the rock where I left Kim. Kim wasn't there. "Are you sure this is where you left her?" I nodded and kept looking for a trace of Kim. She wasn't anywhere near here anymore.

"Do you think she went back to the village?" I asked uncle Eight.

"That foolish girl," He said, "I’ll bring you to headquarters first and then go look for her."

"I can come with you."

"No, Thuy. It's dangerous and brother Three won't forgive me if I let his son die."

He gestured me to come with him. I looked through his wide shoulder toward where he was heading to. That was where my father stayed when he left home. What kind of people were they? Why did father follow them? What good did they bring us, to the village? In the end everything was gone. My parents were gone. My village was gone. All gone because of them. I kept walking with those thoughts in my mind, with the hate in mind. What they did was just take everything away from us villagers, just the same as those soldiers.

"We are here, Thuy." Uncle Eight said, pulling me out of my thoughts. It was a small camp hidden among the rocks and the trees. 

"Eight Su. How's everything going? And this is?" Said the only person left in the camp.

"This is Thuy, brother Three Ngu's son." Uncle Eight said. "And this is Tuan, he came down here from the north, Thuy. He is here to help. I should go look for Kim now. You are here with Tuan, alright?"

Tuan shook my hand and brought me into one of the tents in the camp. He was taller than most people I have ever seen, his skin was light and his hair was tidy. I could say he was a handsome man, just a bit older than me I guessed. But what impressed me the most was his bright eyes, those only came from people who loved their life and had hope for the future. Tuan gave me a bowl of cold rice porridge. 

"Sorry but we only have this here. Eat up. We haven't got time to cook anything for breakfast. It was a mess this morning. I'm sorry about your parents."

I looked at him and my eyes filled with hate. Of course he should be sorry, this whole mess was because of them, of the Viet Cong.

Tuan looked at me and I thought he could guess what I was feeling from my eyes because he then sat down next to me.

"I know this whole mess shouldn't be here. But we, like your father, thought fighting back was the only way to find freedom. They took too much, not only from our lives, also from our country. They are trying to drain everything from our country, Thuy. They are trying to drain everything from our people. They are trying to drain us to our last drop of blood."

"Without you guys, no one died."

"Yet, no one died yet, Thuy. Don't you see what your father sees? We fight for a better life, we fight so that the next generation won't have to suffer. Anyway, I should let you eat. Rest for now, Thuy."

Tuan left the tent. I saw him standing at the gate of the camp, looking toward the village. Sometimes he walked around the place impatiently, his eyes fixed at the woods. Would the soldiers from the Republic government worry about us mere villagers? Didn't they just want to take our lives away? I drunk the rice porridge to the last drop and lied down, thinking about what Tuan said to me. I don’t remember when I fell asleep but I remember that I was looking at the night sky in my dream. The night sky dyed with blood but there were still a star shining brightly, the star of hope.

Uncle Eight couldn't find Kim anywhere that day. Not a trace, not even corpse, so we believed that she was still alive. I asked him if I could go look for her but he wanted me to stay and help them. They had lost many men that day at the village and reinforcement wouldn't come anytime soon. I thought about what Tuan said to me. It wasn't right to leave Kim alone out there. But it wasn't right to leave our people suffering either. If uncle Five was here, would he understand, I wondered. But I decided to stay. If Kim were still alive when we free our country, she would understand and forgive me for leaving her out there alone.

The troops moved around the forest, in parts of the Mekong delta from time to time, to flee from the enemy. Each time we stayed in a new place, I took time to ask around the villages for Kim but she was nowhere to be found. Southern Vietnam at the beginning of the 1970s was a total mess. The Nguy government was trying desperately to look for any trace of us. They killed everyone they thought that was Viet Cong, they destroyed the whole area to look for us, they would try to buy our people's loyalty with money, but none could kill our fighting spirit. The Americans started to leave and that left us a lot of space to walk around.

In 1975, the Americans couldn't hold us down anymore. One day in spring, when I was having some drinks with my friend in Saigon, some prostitute from a nearby bar walked in and sat next to us.

"She was a lucky girl, the white man bought her straight away."

"Kim was a good girl, she deserves it." The oldest said.

"Are you saying that we are not good girls?" One girl said and everyone was laughing out loud.

As the name "Kim" reached my ear, a strange feeling ran through my vain. It had been four years almost and how could I forget. I stood up and walked to the girls.

"Would you mind telling me more about this girl Kim?" I talked to the girls and called out the waiter to order drinks for everyone.

"She came to Dreamland a week ago." One of the girl said.

"I think she was from the West, her accent suggested it." Another girl came in.

"How old is she?" I asked, nervously.

"She said she was seventeen. Such a cutie."

My heart skipped a bit. Kim would be seventeen if she was still alive now.

"She told us her parents died some years ago."

"Poor girl, did she say how long ago?"

"I think she said four years about."

It could be her, it was probably her, it must be her.

"Where is she now?"

"Oh, come on, she is getting married to the American tomorrow, you wouldn't stand a chance." The girls laughed. "How about choosing one of us?"

"She could be my lost sister." I lied.

"Oh poor boy, aren't you?" The girls said. "We could take you to her wedding with us."

"It's ok I will come by myself. I had some business at that time." I said, and they gave me the address of the girl with the same name with my Kim.

I followed the address the next day. It was a tidy street in the center of the city that was built for the American troops. Unlike the worn-out houses in the poor and dirty suburb, houses here were big and clean. So this was where they spent our money, our food. I thought and felt my veins boiled with anger. But this wasn't why I came here. I walked toward the house with the address the prostitutes gave me. It wasn't hard to find. There was loud music coming from the house and the noise of people talking, cheering the newly wedded couple.

I walked in, looking for the owners of the house among the crowd. And there I saw a familiar face. The face of the girl I promised to take care of her for the rest of my life. But next to her stood a big white man, one that looked similar to the ones that came to take my mother away.

"Kim..."

She looked at me terrified.

"You're here, at last. I have come to bring you home. Tell them to go away, come with me, you will be safe from now."

"This girl is mine." The American pulled Kim to him and covered her behind his big shoulders.

"Yours?" I looked at him. This is ridiculous. "Who are you?"

"Who are you?" He asked at the same time.

"Stop." Kim finally said something, and she walked up between us.

"Kim, who is this man? Do you see that he is American? This is madness, they are losing the battle, and they will soon be gone."

"Get out of here." The American yelled at me, but who cares? I was not going to get out of here unless Kim told me so.

"Thuy, I'm not a prize to be claimed. That promise my father made was when I was thirteen. Four year has passed and I am no longer that Kim you used to know."

"That promised was bond by our parents that was our fate. You knew I would come back to get you, why did you leave? Why didn't you wait?"

"My parents died and it was your fault. If there were any promises, all of them died when they died."

"No more nonsense." I pulled out my gun. "Leave that man now."

The American pulled out his gun, too. "She is not leaving here, you are the one who should leave."

Kim stood still in front of us, her eyes stared at me with hate and pain. "Go on and shoot, would you? I won't change my mind, I won't leave his side."

"Kim, you are mine. I made a promise to your father that I will take care of you and I will do that until I die."

"I'm not yours anymore and I no longer care about that promise."

"You are still mine until we die." I was boiled with rage. Why do they have to take everything? Why can't Kim see it? That American was not an ally, he was enemy. "Saigon will fall soon. And so will he."

"Get the hell out of here." The America shouted and shot. The shot missed me but it drew the attention of people near by.

"If uncle was alive, he would never forgive this, Kim. Never!" I uttered the last words and ran off. It was unbelievable.

There wasn't much time to think of Kim and the American. The war drew to an end and we decided to attack with full force. The president of Saigon decided to surrender at the end of April and the long war finally ended. I finally could look at the sky again and saw my parents, uncle and aunt Five and the villagers behind those stars. Spring finally came with peace. I heard the Americans fled not long after I left Kim with that man. I wonder if Kim had gone with him or not? We had taken back everything from the America but Kim, my Kim.

For three years there wasn't a moment I could forget about Kim and the promise I made with uncle Five. I became a commissar now, the government gave me everything I could have ever wished for now but they couldn't bring Kim back to me. Not long after we took over Saigon, I heard people say that the Americans fled without bringing any of the Vietnamese family members with them. So they left them behind, he left Kim behind. Then where was Kim now? She didn't have any family to rely on. She didn't have a home. Foolish girl, she should have come with me.

"Sir," A soldier knocked on my door.

"Come in." I said. "What's that?"

"This man claimed to know the location of Miss Kim."

"And who might he be?"

"I'm the Engineer of Dreamland bar, sir." The man said.

Dreamland bar, wasn't that where Kim used to work at? I looked at the man. He was a small dirty man, his hair was messy and his eyes gave me the feeling of disgust. This is one of those that you could never trust.

"How can I trust you?"

"I never lie, sir. I only speak what I know." I looked at him with more distrust.

"I can bring you to her, if only..."

"If only what?"

"If only you could clear my name..."

"Whatever. Bring me to her and I spare your life."

We set off, following the directions of the Engineer. Even though I didn't trust him at all, a little light in this situation is better than none. We crossed the main streets to the slum, everywhere, people were celebrating the independence day. Marching songs, music echoed all over the place. I followed the Engineer to a small dirty tent.

"Is she here?"

"She definitely is." He entered the tent. "Hello princess, and don't ask how I found you. I'm here to bring you back up again. I brought a puppy who would do anything to have you. Should we team up?"

"I don't want to see you here, Engineer. I never want to go back to that life." I heard that familiar voice come up from the tent, it was her. Definitely her.

"Kim, it's been three years." I entered the tent. "We finally meet."

 "I found her for you." The Engineer said.

"Get out."

"I have never stopped thinking of you, Kim. It's probably fate that brought us together again. I have been waiting for so long for this day, and I wish to have you with me under the sun. I wish to have you as my wife and fulfil your father's wish."

"I'm sorry, Thuy. And I wish my father would also forgive. I wish I could give you what you want of me but this I cannot lie to you." Kim looked at me, I could see in her eyes there was no longer hate. But there was pain, it was deeper and greater than I have ever seen.

"Look at me Kim. You will change, time will change. Don't say no to me anymore."

"I'm sorry, Thuy. But I can't stop hoping for the day he would come back to me."

"He won't come back anymore, Kim. He ran away and you were the one who was left behind."

"He was right, princess. Smart girls know when to move on. He is a commissar, nothing more you could wish for." The Engineer came in. For just this time I thought he was right, that good for nothing man. But Kim looked away, what a stubborn girl. I pulled her to me and tried to get her to look at me.

"Stop looking away. I can end this shame, I can end your pain. Just say "yes". You hear those soldiers out there? They'll do whatever I say."

"I can't change how I feel, Thuy."

"Then hear what they say. I don't think you can't change." I have never felt angrier. What did that American do to her? Does she remember who killed her parents? "Come in soldier. Tell this girl what she really is. Show her what Americans have done to us. Show her that we will never forgive, that this wound might be healed but the scars won't fade away. Show that to this American whore."

"Nothing will change the love for my husband. He will come back to take me." She shouted. 

"Don't you remember who brought pain to this country, to our parents? It's him, it's the Americans. Now come with me, will you or will you not?"

"I can't." Kim started to cry. "I'd rather die. There is only one reason that keeps me alive for all those year, if you want to know why I can't go with you, I will show you now."

She walked to the small worn-out bed in the corner and took the blanket off. Under the blanket was the last thing I would have ever wanted to see. A boy, a half-blood boy.

"Tam." She called out his name, the name of the enemy's son. "Thuy, this is why I can't come with you."

"This is a cursed child, Kim."

"Do not call my son that."

"You know what?" I could not hold on anymore, all of this madness must end now, with this bastard child.

"This child cannot live. He will die now, and you will come with me." I pulled out my pocket knife.

"You are not touching my son." She shouted.

"When he's gone, you will forget and you will be able to live a new life."

"Do not touch my son!" She uttered one word after the other and pulled out a gun. The American's gun.

"What are you going to do with that now?" I shouted at her. "Kill me? Kill your cousin? With that loser's gun?"

"If you touch my son then you leave me no choice."

"Stay out of this." I walked toward Kim and the boy. She wouldn't kill. She wouldn't know how to. Or at least that was what I thought when she pulled that trigger.

She looked at me terrified, her eyes filled with more pain. She threw the gun and took the boy. They ran away. Americans couldn't kill me during the war so now they use her to take my life. I wonder what was left for me in the end? I recalled what Tuan told me before "They are trying to drain us to our last drop of blood." Not even one drop of blood. Not even one person of the family.