Final re-write

Dear Editor,

I am writing to you in the hope that you will look at my manuscript. This is a true story about a guy who goes to a land where few white men have ever ventured. Someone who has taken a lot of chances and has tried to make his mark in the world. I think it will provide the thrills and understandings that are gained when travelling ‘off the beaten track’. I am intending to send this to the guys at Lonely Planet as well so please send me a decision as soon as possible.

My name is Robbie Crusoe (I know, just like the guy in the book). I think that when my parents named me they created a ready-made destiny as an explorer, and I have fulfilled this. I set out from Hull nearly 10 years ago as part of the crew of an ocean going yacht. (My parents wanted me to join Dad’s law firm, but I said after 5 years at university there was no way I was joining an office). My journey has allowed me to share my knowledge with the primitives and I have made the world a better place. 

When we got to Egypt I thought I would do a side trip to check out the pyramids and other similar crumbling ruins. I thought the Middle East would be like the Sinbad or Aladdin stories, or something similar. Oases, harems, camels and dates. I was hoping I might strike up a relationship with Sheik, rock the Kasbah, (you know the scene). Well I couldn’t have been more wrong.

My God what chaos! Dust. Stinking sewers (They haven’t even invented toilet paper). Rip offs everywhere (Trust no-one! Seriously!) And chicks. Man, where were they? The only women I saw were about 82 and dressed from head to toe in black capes, sort of like the one Batman wears. No thanks. It was dangerous too. Everywhere I went there was some dude giving me the evils. Got disturbed and sometimes awaken by noisy prayer calls from mosques, I mean seriously those people are really held back by religion. I wasn't able to get my hands on any pork either because those weirdoes think it's a sin to eat.

Some guy gave me a bottle of whiskey. He told me to keep it on the low but I didn’t see why so instead I got drunk in the garden. How was I to know that alcohol was also a sin in that part of the world?! I ended up getting 70 lashes on my bare back and then sent to jail. Talk about a Stone Age legal system!

You would not believe how I was being treated; a developed man living in this medieval place could only lead to trouble. I went from being the slave of a Moor to being a slave of the prison wards. It was the worst two years of my life. The jail conditions sucked and the other prisoners acted like animals! The place was trashed and the food…How I craved for a big mac and fries. I hadn’t laid my eyes on a woman for the entire period. I missed the scent, the touch and the company of a beautiful woman. I knew that I'd be irresistible to the women in Egypt, which is why the men kept their ladies so covered up and far away from me. I didn’t really mingle with the other prisoners, only because I felt too sophisticated to be able to stay interested in their childish conversation. All they talked about was how God would protect us and eventually set us free. I didn't have faith in this happening though. I just kept plotting on how I would get myself out of there. There was this one boy, Xury was his name. He was white. We eventually managed to outsmart the prison guards (not too hard, they were black) and escaped on a boat.

Things got better after that, when a captain of a Portuguese ship rescued me off the coast of Africa. His name was Captain Fredriko. I told him what I'd been through and he promised to hook me up with beautiful Brazilian girls. Man was I excited - I couldn’t sleep for days! Finally, I was going to make contact with some women! I'm sure that they must be excited to hear about my arrival.

Captain Fredriko and I clicked immediately and spent many nights chatting about the ignorance of the world. Even though he was no white man, Fredriko managed to gain my respect from day one. He was living proof that some foreigners could be trusted and understood. When we arrived in Brazil where he helped me become the owner of a plantation. He gave me three hundred of his Indian laborers who now work for me. I was able to make enough money to build my own ship. I was happy that I would be able to continue my journey.

Believe it or not this is only the beginning of my story, contain your excitement!

Robbie Crusoe.

Greeting Mr Crusoe,

Thanks for your outline. I am sure the manuscript would come under the category of a ‘rattling good yarn’. The only problem is that rattling good yarns have fallen out of fashion for the past fifty years. Hadn’t you noticed? I will go through a few features of your narrative and try to point out parts that readers will find offensive, or perhaps ridiculous.

First of all your notions of the Middle East seem to be based on old children’s stories and Walt Disney cartoons. As a conceptual framework to make sense of a contemporary society, this is rather inadequate. It is like using Tin Tin as a reference book. Many of your complaints in this initial part of your narrative are linked to the fact that you are judging a traditional society based in a dry, arid region while using the terms of a western society based in a wet temperate climate. As for your perceptions about the availability of women (the only women I saw were about 82), access to upper strata of society (strike up a relationship with Sheik,) and similar observations. It seems naïve to believe that the upper echelons of any society would immediately want to befriend you purely because you are a young white male. You seem to have manifested a degree of paranoia (check out the word Xenophobia, see if it rings a bell) when you mention “Everywhere I went there was some dude giving me the evils”.

Being from Europe does not mean you have automatic authority over other people, especially when you are a visitor in their land. Your letters portray yourself as being some sort of hero in these places, helping them in becoming another version of Europe. It seems to me that you just want to Europeanize or colonize the orient – which you are not entitled for. And taking two years to 'outsmart' prison guards is not something I'd brag about.

You also might want to do some research on Islam as your lack of knowledge on the Religion is appalling and very inappropriate. Please be aware that we have absolutely no interest in your manuscript. There is no need for you to send part two, but good luck with Lonely Planet.

The Editor.

Dear Editor,

I'm quite surprised at the fact you find my manuscript outdated. My story is an important one, and I think it's equally important that the story of these people is to be told. They live in a monstrous place and do not understand the values WE have as the advanced western society. This story is based talk of the real world, a first person perspective. Not a story retold from behind a desk.

My time in Egypt didn't go to waste, I'd been able to successfully teach the people our proper ways and felt as though I had improved their way of life. My father had told me not to even bother with such people, and that I was wasting my time. "These people are too lazy" he would say. But I had faith in them, and I knew they could be trained. I knew they could be improved. After all, even a mule can be trained.  I believe that they have resources (and labor!) that we could benefit from, however we need to get to them ASAP, before those camel jockeys somehow manage to waste them.

From the second I arrived in the Amazon I knew I was about to hit the jackpot! My mother had just informed me about this website, the latest craze back in Europe, where all the girls were ordering replica handbags. Gucci, D&G, Chanel, the whole lot! I decided to research this further and see if I could somehow get involved. I knew get the resources I needed cheap (or even free) in the Amazon. I would be able to get my hands on real animal furs too. The people had no education about the planet or the fact that they were hunting endangered species. I met with a man named Lamahar who explained to me that foreigners pay big money for animal skin and tusks and that is why they were killing them. For a while I felt bad about how unaware the natives were of endangered species and the fact that others were exploiting them like this. But my idea was too good to get emotional about now. There were only a small number of indigenous people left living here so I acted fast, setting up a small factory where I managed to hire them to work.

The indigenes were lazy and expected way too much. They didn't work long enough, such slackers! Did a crap job with the final products and were so demanding. It was almost as if id hired Paris Hilton to work for me. However there was this one boy I called iPod. He came from a very poor family, didn’t speak a word of English but worked harder than anything I've seen! Over the next few years I taught him English and was able to re-programme him into the Western model. He was behaving like one of us now and my respect for him kept growing. He looked up to me; I was his idol and only friend. Together we came up with a scheme. Since my Indian laborers working at my plantation were doing double, maybe even triple the amount of work for only a percentage of what I was paying the natives, my next move would be to smuggle a couple of Indian dudes into the Amazon.

The story only gets better from here.

R.C

Dear Mr Crusoe,

I am sorry to say that your manuscript is still not of any interest to us. It seems like you are in search for any way to take advantage of anything or one. Have you not heard of human rights? Your reference to the natives as animals being able to be trained is appalling. These are real people who are trying to make a living not specimens for you to make an experiment out of. They are not labor machines and don’t deserve to be taken advantage of, not by you or anyone else. Many are very talented, respectful and open-minded, three qualities that you are lacking in. I doubt they would need or even want someone as arrogant as you re-telling stories that they can tell on their own, in their own way, through their own eyes.

I'm also shocked that you have admitted in writing to re-producing copy righted material. Do you know that this is illegal and violates copyright laws? You could get jailed for that! Not to mention the killing of endangered species. You criticize the natives for being "uneducated" yet when there's a chance of you making a few dollars it seems that you're first in line, ready to exploit these people to the max. You are not doing these people any favors and if they understood how severely you are using them, you would not be appreciated. You are in need of a serious reality check.

I pity that poor boy, "Ipod". Is that supposed to be some sick joke, naming a boy after an apple product? You should be ashamed of yourself. I hope he has gotten smart enough and gotten away from your exploitation.

Please do not waste any more time sending us anymore extracts. We do not publish Eurocentric kind of stuff.

The Editor.

Dear Editor,

What do you know about these people and these places? I bet the most you've seen is from behind your computer screen or television, academic articles and what not! Who's lived in the jungle?! I will repeat myself by saying I'm someone who has seen this stuff happen first hand, in front of my own two eyes! I'm so disappointed with your stubbornness concerning the publishing of my manuscript.

It seems that it's YOU in actual fact that needs a reality check. Western explorers like me and colonization in these areas has bought countless benefits into these areas.  We are to thank for health care! Cures to diseases like malaria were only possible after colonization. We have been able to spare lives of thousands just by being present in their countries, introducing our technologies. Mothers are now able to keep their children to live over 10 because of us. Our presence in these places has brought the people so many advantages, and it's our right to be able to take something back, for the sake of development! I AM APPAULED at you questioning my knowledge on human rights. When I first arrived in the Amazon the natives were eating each other, barbequing human kind on giant skewers.  We took these naïve, child-like beasts and taught them about committing felony. We, the explorers, taught them about human rights. If it wasn’t for us there would be no humans left. We gave them luxuries! TV's, radios, computers, and books! We brought them fast food outlets! We educated these people about wrong from right and we deserve to take credit for it.  Keep in mind that I am best friends with Ipod (who likes his name FYI) who is a native and he too believes that explorers like me have brought luxury into such countries.

I do understand that it's wrong to kill endangered species but if they are already doing it then why shouldn’t we be allowed to make profit from it? It's their country after all and the animals in it belong to them! I just believe that we deserve a slice of their resources for all that we've done for them. This is the last chance I'm giving you to publish my manuscript. I have other publishers who are more than willing to make history out of my story. You are missing out on an opportunity of a lifetime.

R.C

Dear Mr Crusoe,

Your latest letter is hardly worth responding to but I will anyways. Do you really believe that the west improved health care in places such as the Amazon? It was because of explorers like you turning up in these places, uninvited, leaving natives to contract sickness like malaria, smallpox and measles! You explorers introduced drug dependency when natives were fine depending on their own immune systems. Look at these people today, relying on drugs and alcohol to get them through life.

I would be embarrassed to boast about such things. You may believe that you have improved life for these people but in my opinion all you have managed to do it spread corruption.

TV and fast food outlets, Mr.Crusoe? Well, well done for spreading the West's inactive lifestyle. Another country of obesity is on its way, world! 

You may act like you care about human rights but I bet if you were able to make money out of selling human flesh you'd find an excuse to make that acceptable too.

The only reason why "Ipod" has befriended you is because he is a child. Are you not wondering why you haven't made any friends your own age? Of course a child will look up to and respect you, not to mention model your behavior hence why he believes you are helping his country and people. You have managed to manipulate him into supporting and believing what you are doing is right. If you think you can successfully educate these people, the country is going to end up with a bunch of failures.

I hope that you find the help that you are in need of Mr.Crusoe.

The Editor.

References:

Defoe, D. (1719). Robinson Crusoe. England: W.Taylor.