The fate of August

I was on the second level of the ship, the heat in the cabin was intolerable. August, for me, was always the ridge, the hottest month of the year, the coldest month I was pulled out to this world. Mother said if I could stride over the August every year, I would be ok. Could I stride over this August?

I walked out the cabin and went to the poop, the ship was moving slowly. I leaned on the rusty guardrail and held it tightly, languidly looked down the dark blue sea, nothing was in there, not even a hope. And then I looked up at the sky, blue, without any cloud to embrace. All of these seemed to be appeared in my dream, maybe, that wasn’t the dream. By looking at the illimitable sky and the boundless sea, how come I could not feel any excitement, or any freedom, instead the feeling of disconsolateness had been penetrated into my brain since I left the port. I could never go back to the village again, my dearest mother, father, brothers, and the little church… everything there, would be all vanished from my life.

I didn’t remember how long I was standing on the poop, I saw the sun set and then the moon rose. The moon was extremely rounded just like the mooncake in the moon festival.


***

Every year, the village had a big celebration on the moon festival. Every family gathered together to compete which family could make the best mooncakes in town. Mother always won the most delicious and beautiful mooncakes. As time passes, not only the people in our village knew mother made the best mooncakes, but also the people from the vicinity of other villages knew mother made the best mooncakes. Every one loved mother’s mooncakes, so she started selling them during and after the moon festival or someone ordered it specially. As the orders were getting more and more, mother was too busy to deliver the moomcakes which she was promised at the beginning. So I happily offered mother and took over the delivering job, in a way, I not only made some pocket money and helped her, but also I could have chance to go play in the haunted church.

The church had been built in this small village before I was born, people called it the haunted house because they heard a woman ghost with a cry sound from the house. It was a small, white, and lonely building without other houses surrounded, the roof was sharply pointed at the sky, windows were painted in colors. Inside, an almost naked man on the cross would conspicuously caught people attention straight away, his hands and feet were nailed on the front wall. On the left side of the house, two dark red wooden rooms were attached together, the chairs was lined up in three spaced rows in the center of the room. Because the church had being vacant for long time, the gloomy dust and spiderweb hung everywhere, it was a little bit haunting. And also the unashamed naked man made people in the village disturbed, so children were warned, “don’t near the house, the hungry ghost will catch you and eat you up.”

The warning didn’t stop my brothers and me to go there, it made us more curious about the ghost. At beginning, we were really scared when we were inside of church, but after a few times nothing happened, we found it was quite fun to play there. Other children saw us having so much fun there, they went there play with us as well. Sometimes, we gathered all children in the village, our cousins, friends and neighbors to go there and play hide and seek.
One day, a priest arrived in the village and lived in that haunted church. No one took notice of him because he would be just like other priests come with enthusiasm and leave with no accomplishment. People here were too stubborn to alter. He told everyone his name and he came from England. Because he had a very long name and no one could remember it, so people called him pastor John.

Pastor John could only speak a little of Chinese, no one understood what he said. Most of the time, he had to use his gestures and face expression to talk to people. He looked so much different from us, big blue eyes, the large and hooked nose, full white beard, short curly blonde hair, and he was always wearing a long black vestment.

Everyday, I saw pastor John visiting everyone’s house, politely and patiently persuaded people to go to church. He also told each family he would teach their children English for free, but not one family sent their children to the church to learn English, even they didn’t need to pay anything.

Pastor John didn’t give up his mission, still continued peddling his ideas. It so happened that father and two older brothers were going to America to become the gold rush. So when pastor John came to our house and tried to convince father and mother, father promptly agreed to send my older brothers to learn English.

I really wanted to go and learn new things as well so I asked father, “father, I know I can’t go to school, but can I go to church with brothers?”

Father didn’t answer me directly, “girls don’t need to read books, and all they need to do was to be refined and demure. More importantly, a girl needs to find a good husband who can bring home the bacon to his family. In return, she needs to take care of her husband, to have as many children as she can, and to look after the whole family, these are the things that girls need to learn. It is totally waste of time to read books.” He disdained to cast a look at me, and walked away.

I was buried with inferior minds like my mother, grandmother and grand grandmother. Although I had the thoughts to go against it, however, thousands of years of spiritual fetters on women in feudal society didn’t allow me to expose my thoughts, especially to disobey father. I didn’t say anything, yet furtively went to church with my older brothers. As they had no interest to learn English, so I took the advantage which I was the only student of pastor John. Pastor John not only taught me the English language, but also gave me a book called ‘The Bible’. It was the first book I had ever owned and read.

There were many stories in the bible. I particularly liked the story of Adam and Eve in Garden of Eden. How they met? How they ate the fruit? How they fell in love with each other? How they were banished from the Garden of Eden by the god? I wished I could find my Adam one day.

A month after spring festival, father and older brothers about headed off to America to chase their dreams. I really yearned to go with them to see the America after I had read one of pastor John’s books the ‘America dream’. Even though it was impossible for father to allow me to go with them, yet I asked him, that was my dream too.

The answer was saddened me as expected, I went to mother’s room, threw myself into her arm, cried and cried. In this family, only mother understood me, but what could she do? She powerlessly rubbed my back, “it’s our fate, daughter, we can’t change it”.

The thousands of years of superstition education in feudal society had inveterately rooted in people’s mind. Elderly people often preached to the young ones, “A woman must obey to her father before she is married; after married, she must comply with her husband; when her husband is dead, she must be conform to her sons. And a woman must never be free of subjugation.” They also used Confucius’s idea to teach their sons, “one hundred women are not worth a single testicle,” “women have five worst infirmities: indocility, discontent, slander, jealousy and silliness which make the stupidity of women's character. It is incumbent upon women, in every particular, they need distrust themselves and to obey their husbands.”

I was like every woman in the village, left my fate to be decided in my father’s hand, in my future husband’s hand, and then my son’s hand. How sad was that? My heart told me to break these ridiculous rules, however, an invisible net heavily trapped me inside, and I was futilely suppressed.


***
Father and brothers had gone to America with lots of mooncakes that mother made for them to eat on their way.

One month later, mother received a letter and ten gold coins from father, the letter was written by my third older brother.

Dear mother and sister,

We safely arrived in America. There were lots of people who looked like pastor John. We called them westerners which they all have blue eyes and blond hair. We now regretted that we didn’t learn English well at home, because people can speak English here would get better job and paid more money.

Luckily, we got the miner job straight away on our arrival. We had made twelve gold coins in this month so far, we are so excited that we made this much of money. Here are ten gold coins father asked me to send to you, and he also asked me to tell you to find a wife for each of us, we will go back home a bit of earlier next year before the spring festival so that we can get married before we come back.

Oh, there is something else. Your mooncakes were so yummy, when other gold rushers saw us eating, they would rather use the gold coins to exchange the mooncake. Father said maybe you could come with us next time to make mooncakes here.

Take care,

Your sons,

24, February 1924

I leisurely read the letter till the end, as I was handing over the letter to mother, she smiled at me, “next time when you go to church, I will prepare some special mooncakes for pastor John, he taught you well.”

At that moment, I realized that even father said I wasn’t allowed to study, but mother wasn’t going to stop me. She knew I went to church, she knew I offered to deliver mooncakes just one of my excuses to go to church, and she knew how much I wished to go to school to learn just like other boys. “Thank you, mother”. I gratefully grinned.

Mother was pleased, and carefully hid the gold coins away.

The day was getting hotter and hotter, one month away to August. Like usual I went to church, no one was there. Pastor John was standing silently in front of the naked man with hands clenched. He heard the sound, turned around, smiled at me, “How are you, Miss?”

“I’m good. Pastor John. What are you doing?” I was curious.

“I’m praying. Pray god to forgive my sin, to forgive my wrongdoings, pray for peace.” He replied slowly, and still smiling.

“Why do need to ask god for forgiveness?” I kept asking.

“Because…” He didn’t carried on, instead of passing me a bible, “today, I will tell you a story about this man,” he pointed to the naked man on the cross, “his name is Jesus, the son of God. This story is about his mother Mary.

“Mary was a Jewish girl who lived in the city of Nazareth. She was engaged to be married to a man named Joseph. Mary didn’t know it yet, but God had chosen her from among all the Jewish maidens to fulfill a very special purpose for him. God sent an angel to her with the message. The angel Gabriel said to her, ‘Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!’ Mary was afraid, but the angel explained to her that she was going to have a son, and his name was to be Jesus. Mary's baby was not to be born in the manner that other babies on earth had been born. He would have an earthly mother, Mary, but He would be fathered by the Holy Spirit of God. He would be the Son of God!” Pastor John remembered everything that written in the bible and was truly passionate about every words when he said it. He again pointed to the almost naked man, and repeated, “he is the Jesus, the son of God.”

I was exceedingly concentrated in the story and didn’t hear anyone calling me.

“Miss, miss, I think someone is looking for you.” Pastor John brought my attention back to life, and point at the person who was calling my name.

It was my aunty, she wouldn’t come to the church unless something was horribly happened. She was one of the stubborn people who believed all the tales, the haunted house, the hungry ghost, and the evil pastor. Besides she couldn’t know I was here except mother told her. Immediately a bad omen came to me, “is there anything happened?” I asked her.

She saw my worry, “no, no, nothing bad happened”, her hurried smile made my feeling worse, “your mother needs you to go home right now, you have a visitor.” She grabbed my hand without letting me to say goodbye to pastor John, and we jogged back home.

When I got home, two strangers with a fake cheerful on their faces sitting in the living room with mother. “Daughter, come here, this is Mrs Chang, and that is Mrs Zhang. Your brothers will come back in four months time, I have chosen the wives for them. And also you will be sixteen next month, it’s time for you to get married too. Mrs Chang’s nephew is from a distinguished family and he requested a marriage proposal to us. I will let your father know, it shouldn’t be a problem. When your father and brothers come back, your father will pick a lucky date so all of you can get married in a same time.”

I sat on the wooden lofty chair, could not feel anything, happy, sad, or angry. All I did was just sitting there and nodding my head.

Without mishap, I safely passed my sixteenth August.


***

On the day of father and brothers came back from America, everyone in the village lined up in front of our house to welcome their back. The spectacle was like the soldiers on their triumphant return, proud and fulfilled. Among the crowd, I was envious how perky my brothers were! So many times I dreamed I was one of them, unrestrained, freed.

Father and brothers must have made lots of money, they invited everyone in the village that including pastor John to come to our house for dinner. At the same time, father announced the wedding date of brothers and mine, and also invited everyone to come to the wedding.

As the time close to the wedding, I tried to find the right moment to sway father and mother that I was too young to get married. I didn’t want to end up like Mary, to marry someone she didn’t know, to have a child but not really her child, to be mastered by someone else but herself. I would rather follow Adam and Eve, disobey the rules and leave the Garden of Eden, to be in charge of their own future.

Deep in my heart, a voice constantly murmured ‘I don’t need anyone to rule my life, just run away’. But another voice from the bible was telling me, ‘my dear child, man is the image of God, whereas woman reflects the glory of man. For man did not originally spring from woman, but woman was made out of man; and man was not created for woman's sake, but woman for the sake of man’. ‘Woman in her greatest perfection was made to serve and obey man, not rule and command him. Let a woman learn in silence with all submissiveness. I permit no woman to teach or have authority over men; she is to keep silent.’ I struggled again.

I couldn’t wait any longer, it was very close to the wedding day, so I decided to try for the first time and also the last time. I got up in the morning, went to father and mother’s room after making myself well presented, carefully locked the heavy wooden door, “coming”, I heard mother’s voice, went inside.

“Morning, father and mother.” I respectfully greeted.

“Good. Sit down. Your father and I have prepared your trousseaus for your master-to-be and future family, when they saw these they will treat you well, don’t worry.” Mother cheerfully explained, and she had no idea what I was going to say to them.

“Father, mother,” I stopped, hesitated, “I…I… I don’t want to get married, I am too young to get married, and this arranged marriage was not right.” I finally spitted out the words.

In a few second of silence, I saw mother started panicking, and father was silently sitting on his chair at first, once I said I didn’t want to get married, he jumped out the chair, “what?” I repeated what I had said before.

Father could not believe his ears, furiously pointed at me, shouted, “this is not up to you, everything has been decided. From now on, you are forbidden to go out till you are officially married.” Then he turned his anger to mother, “is this how you teach your daughter? Lock her up, don’t let her to lose our face”.

From that day, I was locked inside my little room. No one came to save me, not even mother. I tried to escape, tried to fast, tried to beg, nothing worked. Then I prayed so hard for God to save me, nothing happened.

Two weeks later, brothers and I were married to the arranged individuals whom we had never seen before. We had to be married speedily was because father and brothers were leaving in three weeks time, this time they would stay in America a little bit longer than last time. Father wanted to make sure each of his sons to have a wife, to have someone to bear their children, and reproduce their blood.

On the day of the wedding, father asked my husband whether he wanted to go to America with them, and he swiftly accepted the offer without thinking or considering my opinion.


***

One year later since brothers and my master left, all sister-in-laws had a child, not including me.

My master’s parent disgraced me, “Look at your sister-in-laws, they all made a offspring for your brothers and your parent. How come you couldn’t do it? How hard is to bear a child? If you cannot carry on the ancestral blood for our family and you are useless.”

“It’s not my fault, he…” tears streamed from my eyes, “please wait for master come back, just let me try one more time.” I sobbed and begged them.

Their faces were blank, no expression at all, “you disgraced us and shamed us, for your father’s sake, we won’t throw you out, but you can no longer live here, your stay would only bring us the unluckiness.” They secretly sent me back to my own home in the mid-night.

The moment when I saw mother, I collapsed, “sorry, mother, I am really sorry. It’s not my fault.” I had nothing to say but sorry.

They must’ve told mother already, apart from feeling sorry for me, she accepted me with quietly sighed, “I know, I know. Go get a rest, don’t worry, don’t worry.” She patted my back, walked with me to my room, said no more, and then left.

Since the day I was sent back to home, I buried myself in a tiny room, grew thin and silent, the embarrassment, shame, and humiliation gradually corroded me. I blamed myself that I could not bear a child like other women, I hated the weakness and powerlessness inside of me, I reproached god should not punish my family because of my wrongdoings.

I prayed day after day, and day after day, “God, please forgive my wrongdoings, I will do anything as you wish me to do. Please forgive me that I wanted to be Eve. Please give me a child just like you gave mother Mary. Pastor John told me, you are omnipotent, you can help me with anything.”

***

One year later in August, I had a boy with a blue eyes and curly brown hair. No one in the village believed that I had a God’s child, everyone thought I was a loose woman who had an affair with pastor John.

This August, it might be the last August in my life. I was so petrified every night, someone threw the stone at our window, wrote the abusive words on our fence, the worst of all, my always being proud mother was vilified by the whole town, and at last she refused to leave the house at all. All my sister-in-laws censured me, and wanted to expel me.

Where could I go? No money, no help, and my faith in God? I sneered and despaired. I was so tired, and no longer to bear the yoke and carry the burden. Standing by the well in the back garden, there was now no turning back. I had decided, the only decision I had made in my entire life, to end my life and the little innocent boy’s life in the coldest August.

I opened my eyes and saw mother sitting beside me. She softly fondled my face and I thought I was dreaming in heaven. She kindly looked at me, “you are a silly girl, the month August is nearly finished. You should trust me, once the August is gone, you will be ok.”

“Sorry, mother.” My voice broke and tears streamed from my eyes.

“I have asked pastor John to help you,” she pulled out a plastic wrapped pack, “this is the ticket to America and some money, pastor John’s friend will pick you up from the port. You will be fine.” She passed it to me, and comforted me, “pastor John took the baby, and he said he would take care of him.”

I sat up, gave her a big hug, murmured, “thank you mother, thank you.”

Mother didn’t come with me to the port. I got on the ship, found my cabin, and inside was too hot. And then I slowly walked the poop, as I was walking, I could not help myself to think my fate of the August…