Maui Fishing Up The North Island, A Factual HIstoric Account.

Maui fishing up the North Island

This is the story of Maui Fishing up the North Island. At the time of this stories conception Maui was a little boy with magical powers, great potential and an inquisitive mind that would lead him into many great and unexpected adventures.

Maui lived on a small Pa at the top of what we now call the South island; more specifically we now refer to it as Nelson. To be more specific than this is utterly pointless, but if you must know it is now bang smack in the middle of the Nelson township. Ironically the building that sits on the site where Maui used to live is now a fish and chip shop.

Although Maui had magical powers none of his family knew of them as he kept them a secret for fear that his family may dis own him as magic was something that demons and other faculties of evil possessed.

Apart from having the wonderful gift of magical powers Maui was just like any other little boy, he was the youngest of his family and always tagged along with his older brothers of whom he admired greatly. His brothers would let him come along most places and would tolerate his presence; but like all older brothers they teased him greatly.


Maui hated this and above all wanted to prove that he was just as good and important as his brothers were and above all wanted to be accepted by his brothers as an equal.

His brothers would often go fishing and return with great catches, and boast of how 'only real men could catch fish.'. Maui longed to go fishing with his brothers to show them he was a man but they never once took him saying"You're to small, you wouldn't even be able to pull in a fish look at your arms they are skinnier than a Hb pencil." Maui thought this a strange thing to say for Hb pencils had not yet been invented and for him to understand this cruel mockery he would have had to have been born some 200 years later. However he figured this taunt by his brothers meant that they were saying he was too weak to fish, and he took offense nonetheless.

Then one morning as his brothers prepared to go fishing Maui hatched a plan to sneak on board the waka and prove once and for all that his arms were not as skinny as an Hb pencil. And so Maui hid himself under the weaved fishing nets and waited until his brothers had rowed out to sea until he revealed himself.


"What the bloody hell are you doig out here string arms?"


"I'm gunna show you how to fish like a man!"


"Bullshit Maui, you couldn't even show Grandma how to catch a Herring."


"What's a Herring?"


"I don't know, it kinda just popped out. I meant a fish.."


"Oh, I see well maybe some people somewhere in the world call their fish Herrings."


"Perhaps. Either way you couldn't catch a Herring or any Kai Moana for that matter. But seen as you're here you may aswell give it a go."


Maui's brother handed him a line and a hook and said "Here you go big man, prove me wrong."


Hours passed and his brother were pulling in fish by the dozen, sometimes by the bakers dozen ,and every so often by the four score load.


As for Maui he hadn't even had a bite yet.


He was starting to feel disheartened and looked out to sea longing for a fish. As he looked out to the horizon he caught a glimpse of something he had never seen before, it was long in shape ,like a giant Waka but had three long sticks poking up toward the sky with sheets hanging off them. Maui used his magical powers to look closer and saw there were white ghosts on board.

However these were not white ghosts at all, they were demon white men, colonialist scumbags riding high on the waves of the successful colonisation an molestation of other far away lands. Lands of which that they had conquered in the name of the queen, who at the time was actually a King.

Maui alerted his brothers and when his brothers saw them the began to squeel like new born puppies looking for the comfort of their mothers teat. For one of them it instilled such fear that it triggered a bout of uncontrollable dihorrea.

Maui new they would be safe as long as he used his magic and laughed at his brothers "Who's the big man now?"


As maui went to cast a spell of invisibility he felt something huge tug on his line, he estimated that it probably weighed about 982736453637892278934738 kgs; but he couldn't be sure, it may have just been a really large sting ray pulling insanely hard.


But it probably wasn't. Maui continued to pull his catch in.


Mean while the Queens white demons were completley un aware of Maui and his brothers and indeed the the land mass known as the South island. If it continued this way Aotearoa would be safe from there pillaging and ravaging ways.

Unfortunately at this very moment the wind changed and carried the stench of his older brothers bowels with it directly into the nostrils of the captain Colin Iser who was in charge of the HMS Colonial. The stench was so powerful tat it immediatley caught the attentions of Colin and he turned to see Maui and his brothers some distance away in their Waka.
Had Maui the opportunity and indeed the time he could have easily dispatched the captain and his men, but the beast was fighting, tugging, and doing its damned best to stay where it was safe beneath the deep. However Maui couldn’t let the creature go.
Not now.
God no.
He knew that if he let the catch go even though it may mean he would save the day and his family that he would never live it down. He could hear his brothers voices in his mind “You couldn’t even pull that fish in. What a gay.” Maui knew that his sexual orientation had nothing to do with ones strength, but knew his brothers wouldn’t understand.
And he kept reeling in the beast that would finally prove his man hood and secure his sexual orientation within his brothers eyes.

The beast began to pull, but Maui held on determined not to let go. Captain Colin Iser looked on in amazement not knowing what would happen next; a million things ran through his mind.

Has that fellow done his stretches?
Why are those young men wearing skirts?
By god they don't have under garments underneath them!
This fish looks big enough to be a whole island, I wonder how that flax weaved fishing line is holding?

And on that thought Maui gave one great tug and flung the beast upward into the sky. It was bigger than any thing they had ever seen, well almost; Maui estimated that it was a little smaller than the Island that lay to his south. except slighty wider in the middle. When it splashed down in the water it created an enourmous wave and both Waka and ship were capsized. Both parties were forced to scramble on to the fish for safety.

They could have fought each other to the death ,but instead settled for killing the fish. Maui and his brothers Patu'd the crap out of it while the Englishmen gayly embedded pieces of lead into the beasts brain with their guns. Afterward the men introduced themselves to each other and just like in history, as we know it glady devided their lands, shared everthing and smoothly formed a wonderful multicultural society, and formed the great nation Ourtearoa. nobody was ever killed and we all lived happily ever after.