Re-write on Wide sargasso sea by Maho

Hi everyone. This is my re-write on Wide sargasso sea :)




The white cockroach she marry.
The white cockroach she marry.
The white cockroach she buy young man.
The white cockroach she marry.

That’s what I sing everytime I see her. That’s what I sing when I see him. That’s what I sing when I see myself.



I didn’t like that woman since Christophine introduced me to her. A white girl. A pretty girl. Everything I hate. Christophine told me that that girl is a Creole girl. I don’t care. I thought. Something in me, just hated her.

I heard a noise from very close distance and I turned my head. I saw Mr.Ronchester. Lying down next to me, wearing nothing just like me. I smiled at him and he smiled at me. I don’t know how many times of those times he and I’ve been having. I remember that first time was when he asked me for water in the middle of the night. I was awake that day. He and that girl were having a fight. I was awake in the dark and listening to them. Was I enjoying them fighting? I don’t know, but I remember that I didn’t feel bad in my heart to hear it. I heard that the girl threw a bottle at the wall and it broke. Mr. Ronchester came out from the room and I heard him walking around the veranda for a while. Then I heard him screaming ‘’Water!’’. I jumped out from my bed and run for it. I remember his savage movement when I handed him a bottle and he drank them up like he hasn’t drunken anything for all his life. He handed me over a bottle and then he looked at me like a lion. I looked him back. Then he began to kiss me. Was I surprised? Well, I was at the beginning but as our heat went up and up, I felt satisfied. That girl surely could hear us. I suspected that she might come out and slap me in the face, but she didn’t. I tried to imagine what she might be thinking, but I couldn’t imagine and I stopped thinking. I sang the song in my head.


The white cockroach she marry.
The white cockroach she marry.
The white cockroach she buy young man.
The white cockroach she marry.


Seemed like the girl noticed what had happened, but she didn’t tell me a thing. I was ordered by Christophine to bring breakfast for her, so I did. The girl glared at me like she would jump up on me and suffocate me, but she didn’t make a move. Christopine was sitting next to her and talking to her quietly, so no one else would hear them. I saw a glass of rum in her hand and I smiled. It seemed like she was drinking as she wishes to ruin herself. Christophine saw me looking at the girl.

‘’If you did what you had to do, then go, girl! And don’t smile like that when I’m around’’

‘’Yes, Christophine’’

I said and left. As I was leaving the room, I felt fierce look on my back. I knew it was from the girl, but I didn’t care. I went out to the corridor and sang.


The white cockroach she marry.
The white cockroach she marry.
The white cockroach she buy young man.
The white cockroach she marry.



More conflicts I hear from Mr.Ronchester and a girl, more he came to see me at my cabin where I live with other servants. Although I had an individual room, I think they knew what was happening between him and me. Some told me I’m being a thief; some said that I’m being used. Who cares? Don’t’ make me laugh. I won’t allow anyone to use me. I’m enjoying what I’m doing. I’m enjoying that I’m torturing the girl.

''I feel sorry for you. Why do you always say that? ''

He asked me so one night. We were so thirsty, both of us were holding a glass of water. It’s very hot outside and we were feeling even hotter after what we just did. I didn’t reply to him, then he repeated the same question. I signed and turned my back on him. Then he held me from the behind.

''Amelie, why do you always say that? ''

He actually called my name for the first time. I felt something that I didn’t know what it was. Then I turned around to look at him.

''Because that’s what I think. ''

''I don’t feel sorry for myself. I have you.''

He said. Then he took a glass out of my hand and began to kiss me. I closed my eyes. ‘’I have you’’. I don’t know how I should take that, but it felt good. I don’t know why.



As we met more, it felt more special that now, he calls me by my name. I smiled at him when he does it. Then one day, Christophine called me out. I felt nervous. Everybody’s scared of that woman. She sees through feelings of people. It was impossible to keep secrets from her.

''Yes, Christophine.''

I came into the room, then she was standing in the middle of the room with her arms crossed on her chest. She gave me a glare and told me to come in, so I did.

‘’Do you know who I just talked to, girl? ‘’

‘’No, I don’t, Christophine. ‘’

‘’It was Antoinette. ‘’

I tried to not to have any face expressions, but I wasn’t sure if I succeeded or not. I didn’t make any comments on what she just said.

‘’Do you know what she was saying? ‘’

‘’No, I don’t, Christophine. ‘’

‘’She was saying that she thinks her husband doesn’t love her anymore.
She was crying and asked me for help. ‘’

‘’I see‘’

‘’Don’t you have anything to do with it, girl? ‘’

‘’No, I don’t, Christophine.‘’

She looked into my eyes with her brown eyes. Was she trying to read my mind? I wasn’t sure, but I kept looking back at her as if to say ‘’There’s none of your business of what ‘s going on between Mr. Ronchester and me.’’

She didn’t move for a while and neither did I. Then she told me.

‘’Criminals always get what they deserve to have. Do you understand that, girl?’’

What was she trying to say? That I’m a criminal? And I will get punished? I didn’t reply to her. It’s not because I didn’t know what to say. This time, I didn’t like what she said.

‘’Some get away, Christophine’’

I replied. She glared at me even more fiercely.

‘’I don’t like the sound of it, girl. I really don’t’’.

I didn’t reply, but kept looking back at her. Oh I wish I could just tell her to get hang of it. I don’t care if that girl suffers, I even can enjoy it. Mr. Ronchester doesn’t need her any longer. He doesn’t love her anymore. He is mine. He has me.

Then my thoughts stopped.

Is he mine? Has he me??

Christophine was telling me something more, but I couldn’t focus any longer. My mind was filled with confusion that I didn’t even manage to control.

The summer was ending, and now, the Autumn was on it’s way. As the Summer went by, meetings with Mr. Ronchester’ve become more frequent and I knew that the girl was drinking at high pitch every single day. She once threw a bottle of Whiskey at me. It flew on the air, but didn’t hit me in the head. As the bottle broke on the floor, she cried and yelled at me to go away. I quietly cleaned pieces of it and looked at her. She had a nasty angry expression on her face.

‘’He is a betrayer. You are a nasty person. He is a betrayer. He betrayed me with you!’’

Then she began to cry and drank even more from the other bottle. I grinned, but hid my face from her. She was going insane. A real insane. Of course he doesn’t love you anymore.

He is mine.

Then my thoughts stopped again. What did I just think? I quickly cleaned up the floor and left the room, leaving the girl sobbing.


I finished my work and went back to my room. I lie down on my back on my bed where Mr.Roncheser sometimes waits for me without telling me. I closed my eyes and tried to think of some kind of explanation on my feelings that had raised it’s head inside of me. I thought I was doing what I was doing to make that girl suffer, because something in me just despises her for unclear reasons. I thought it is just a little fun that I won’t get hurt. Mr.Ronchester just happened to be her husband, it didn’t really matter who he really was, what kind of person he was. That’s what I used to think. Then for the last few month, why do I feel this way? I feel like I own him and he owns me. Why do I feel this way? I signed. Nothing has come up as an answer. So I sang.

The white cockroach she marry.
The white cockroach she marry.
The white cockroach she buy young man.
The white cockroach she marry.



I’ve noticed that I can’t focus on my work any longer. I wake up very early in the morning, so I would be the first one to prepare breakfast for Mr.Ronchester. It was Christophine’s job to prepare it for the girl, because she no longer wakes up in the morning, but in the afternoon with such a messy state. I could see that she drinks even more. Things she said hardly made any sense.

I knocked the door.

''Come in''.

I came in with breakfast. Mr.Ronchester was still in the bed. I could tell that he was naked. The girl looked like she was still deep asleep. I smiled at him and put my tray on the table. He was smiling at me while I was pouring water into a glass.

''You look gorgeous today.''

I grinned at him. I couldn’t help it. It felt like my heart has got fever, but it felt good.

''You always do look gorgeous.''

''Thank you, Mr.Ronchester.
''
He came out of the bed, not caring that he is naked and grabbed a glass of water from my hand.

''I think a gorgeous girl like you can get anything she wants. ''

Mr.Ronchester said and he kept staring at my eyes. I liked what he said. It was kind of the thing that I have gotten used to be told. I knew I am beautiful, but this time, it felt different.

It felt like no one has ever praised me for my beauty.

It felt special.

I repeated what he said in my mind.

‘’I think a gorgeous girl like you can get anything she wants.’’

I grinned.

I think so too.



I’ve also noticed that the girl looked at me even more fiercely lately. She probably knew what was going on between her husband and me. I know that she also struggles to understand why her husband is keen on a black girl like me. Black people do not hold good status in this world. People, especially Whites despite us for our dark skin, but it seemed like Mr.Ronchester doesn’t really mind about it. He even thinks I’m gorgeous. He thinks I’m beautiful. I grinned at myself.


While I was feeding cows, I felt the girl is looking at me. She was looking at me from the veranda. She was physically looking down on me. I stretched my back as much as I can and stared back at her. Do you think you are looking down on me? I’ll only let you do so physically, girl. No one, no one looks down on me without my permission. You, Creole girl, doesn’t definitely own that. Do you get it? I couldn’t exactly hear what she said, but I read her lips moved as ‘’Damn black bitch’’. Did I get angry? No. I smiled at her instead. Say and think whatever you want, girl. You will not hurt me. You will not insult me.

Because I’m the one who would do that to you, girl.

I waved at her quietly and sang the song, so she can hear me.

The white cockroach she marry.
The white cockroach she marry.
The white cockroach she buy young man.
The white cockroach she marry.

Her face got so red and she stormed back into the room. I heard the sound of a glass being thrown at the wall and broke. I smiled to myself.

Meetings between Mr.Ronchester and I’ve got more and more frequent as the time went by. I was satisfied, but it seemed like Christophine didn’t like that at all. How she looks at me, how she treats me had changed. A women, a scary woman was colder towards me. She no longer invites me for cup of tea. She no longer helps me with chores. Other servants were also alienating towards me. Did I care? No.

A beautiful woman has fate of being hated by other women. I couldn’t stop being pretty. I am beautiful and that is how things are going to be. A beautiful girl gets what she wants. A beautiful girl deserves to have good things in life. A beautiful girl deserves beautiful things.

A beautiful girl deserves to have a man who she desires.



One day, I was in the bed with Mr.Ronchester. We both were exhausted, but I liked this fatigue. I held my head on his chest and he wrapped me around by his warm arm.

''So, how are things going between you and your wife?''

I’ve never called her by her name. Antoinette. I didn’t like the name, because it sounds so French and also pretty. Although I think my name is prettier.

''What do you mean?''

Mr.Roncheser grabbed a glass of water and poured all it contains into his throat.

''I meant, from what I see, there’s no more passion between you two. Lately, she is always drunk. ''

He didn’t reply to me.

Now, I have more confident that they are no longer connected physically and in their hearts either. I am the one who is deeply connected with him. He gives me what he doesn’t give her. Smile, desires, passion and love. I have better place in his heart.

I deserve to have him.

That is true. She is always drunk, for god’s sake. I don’t know what’s wrong with her. She is in such a state. I don’t know what to do. She only talks to that woman, Christophine.

I stroked his chest and smiled at him.

''Then why are you still with her? ''

Mr.Ronchester didn’t say anything. He looked all confused to me. I got out of the bed and fixed my hair, so I would look pretty, but not messy. I stood in front of the bed naked and smiled at him.

''Why don’t you leave her and be with me?''

Then he reacted the way that I did not expect.

''Be with you? What do you mean by that? ''

''To leave her and marry me. ''

He didn’t reply to me and held his head by his hands. Why is he acting like this? I told myself that this is not happening. This is not how it’s supposed to turn out.

''What is wrong?''

I asked him. He didn’t reply to me. Why not? You always have smiled at me when I tell you something. Then why aren’t you smiling at me now? When I’m telling you the best thing I have told you since we’ve started our relationship???

He left the room by saying there are things that he has to finish. I was left alone. I didn’t stop him. I couldn’t. I didn’t even bother to get dressed, but stared at myself by a mirror. I saw a reflection of me. A beautiful girl. A very beautiful girl. I smiled at her and I told her.

‘’Don’t worry. You will have him. I promise’’.

Since that day, he stopped smiling at me. He stopped visiting me. Although I gave him clear signs that I want to connect with him once more, how we used to, he only gave me cold eyes. He no longer gives me sweet words.

Did I feel sad? No.

I felt strong anger and grudge within me. Why is he doing this to me? How could he do this to me?

I went back in to my room and again, talked to my reflection. This time, she looked very angry. So I smiled at her and told her.

‘’Don’t worry. You will have him. I’ll make sure you will. We will have him’’.



I again noticed that the girl was looking at me from the veranda. This time, I went up to her. Neither of us said a single word. There was something red –dark red liquid-all over the floor of the bedroom.

She looked at it.

I looked at it.

Then, we again looked at each other. We stayed like that for quite a while then at the same time, we begun to walk at different directions. I didn’t turn back to see her and she didn’t turn back to see me, but both us knew that we were walking towards the darkness. I sang.


The white cockroach she marry.
The white cockroach she marry.
The white cockroach she buy young man.
The white cockroach she marry.