My rewrite of Great Expectations

“From dust you came, to dust you shall return,
Jesus Christ, our savior, shall raise you up on the last.”
The priest’s mechanical message together with the subtle scents of white roses from the coffin, she’s going somewhere.
I buried all my memories of her when I lay her underground and threw a handful of soil on to the coffin. Surely she neither returned to heaven nor hell. She might be hovering above me seeking my permission to leave. I looked up at the sky. It wasn’t such a gloomy day. Even a dull pale sky overlaid with whitish clouds, but I had hoped it would be a rainy day.

*******************************************

Out side, it has been raining since the day following her funeral.
I relished the rain with its smell of earth and the familiar music made by nature; the pattering of raindrops on the spruce leaves and the scattering sound of the blowing wind was indeed, peaceful, pleasant and harmonious music. Suddenly, I’d like to dance round and round alone as Havisham did on rainy days.

Sinking deep into an armchair, I gazed mindlessly at a flame in the fireplace for a long time till suddenly a sun-beam slanted through the west window and fell over my face. I shielded my eyes against the dazzling sunlight. It seemed to be the most tranquil light which trembled visibly on the air,
I closed my eyes; letting myself fall down into the bottom of darkness, I felt surging fatigue overwhelm me; a flickering light in the distance irritated me for a while but I soon drifted off into a fitful sleep.
There I saw Miss Havisham roaming around the living room repeating the words:
“Break their hearts my pride and hope, break their hearts and have no mercy!” Then she abruptly stopped in front of the wall clock as the clock struck four. Since then, not only has the pendulum stopped swinging, but all the watches in Satis house have stopped working. She danced in circles around the lounge round and round until gradually she was invisible in the distance but the echo of a low solemn voice behind her finally woke me; “What have I done!” “What have I done!”
I shook my head hard, and got up unsteadily.

I put the needle on the gramophone record again; *Verdi’s Requiem, her favorite music, started to stream out and to drench every corner of the house as if it consoled her broken soul.
*Dies irae, her favorite movement began to swirl around room to room and it seemed to reach its destination; the dressing- room was full of satins, lace, silks and a long white veil with bridal flowers, everything white even the shoes. Everything however, was stained with smoke. Some bright jewels that always sparkled on her neck, hands and ears seemed to be no longer splendors.
Farewell, it’s time to say good bye, I turned off the requiem and tuned my violin and began to play Brahms’ violin sonata for her ravaged soul.

*********************************************

I was waiting for Havisham’s lawyer as the only legal descendant of her.
“I’d like to return to Paris as soon as possible.” I talked to myself looking at my wristwatch.
I loitered in and out at Satis house for a little while. I stopped and looked around the house; everything seemed as it had always been; blocked windows with seared red brick walls and strong ivy clasping the stacks of chimneys with its twigs..
The twilight was fading over the rose bushes, as I walked through the ruined garden which used to be my whole world. Passing the arch and into the cobbled courtyard, all of sudden, there’s a flashback to a memory of my childhood:
“You cannot go out without my permission.” Havisham warned me from time to time, holding a mirror before me. I was really tired of seeing the reflection of my black hair and black eyes with such a prevailing yellowish skin in the mirror.
I shut my eyes and conjured up the times when I was a little helpless creature; I could here the light-footed sound of the little boy, Pip, stepping back into the passage and beckoning to me whispering
“Come here! You may kiss me, if you like.” I came closer to him and kissed his cheek as he turned it to me. The echo of his giggling tailed off.

Pip, he was an orphan too, but he used to live with his uncle, Joe, the owner of small pub at Portsmouths. Along side the river bank, there were several small untidy pubs which were often crowded by sailors or fishermen.
I didn’t know the reason why Pip eventually moved to the Satis house.
Anyhow, we went to school together.
Although, he’s a year younger than me, I relied heavily on him to avoid being bullied at school. ‘Monkey’, they’d call me monkey.
I always felt lonely and frequently seized with unknown fear especially, the days Pip visited Joe. Actually, his absence from the Satis house meant it was no longer home, but rather a ghost house. I could not have said what I was afraid of, for my fear was altogether undefined and vague, but there was great fear upon me.
On such days, Havisham would strongly blame the World War, which brought prostitutes to Portmouths and ruined the beautiful rural resort place.
“Rubbish, they are all evil-spirited.” Her fierce voice often made me terrified.
I shivered.

************************************************

I sensed his coming, his unflinching eye glanced in astonishment at me, and slightly smiling, he walked towards me across the path. My reminiscence of little Estella disappeared quickly into my heart and the heart beat increased slightly.
“Thank you, pip.”
“You saved me from the past.” I said calmly pressing down my entangled emotions.
“Really?” “You look so tired, you need to take a rest more“
His tender voice moved me to tears.
“I will” I nodded.
“Pip...” I paused, I’d like to keep talking, but welling tears chocked my throat instead.
“Please, don’t say anything, not now.” He said placing his hand onto my shoulder. We both stood still for several minutes gazing at falling down leaves from the maple tree.
After a prolonged moment of silence, at last, he briefly told me about Havisham.
“Well, she was unstable after meeting him…”
I cut off his words. “Who?”
“I don’t know, I haven’t met him before.” He continued to talk
“I just remember that he drove a luxurious vintage car here.”
“Umm… He let out a long sigh.
“It’s too late, when I saw her setting fire to the chamber, which was soon engulfed in flames and the…” He wrinkled his forehead and turned round towards the gate where a nice car had just arrived.
“Estella, he’s coming.” Pip whispered.
He soon strode off towards the main gate
A man, strong-built, tall and with a moustache, said as he took off his hat and placed it on his chest.
“Bonjour Estella” He greeted me politely but his baleful look made me feel disgusted.
“My name is Jagger and I’m a well known lawyer in London.” He said proudly.
“I came here to have a private conference with you both.”
“It’ll take a little time, so we should find somewhere to sit first.”
With an air of authority, Jagger’s manner a little bit impertinent.
I felt slightly nauseous, so, I took a deep breath.

When we turned and walked to the Satis house, the lawyer waved his hand at the man, who leaned over the shiny vintage car wearing sunglasses and waved his hand back at the lawyer.

***********************************************

My mind went blank and I felt I was almost chocked by the heavy air in the room. “I need to get some fresh air.” I murmured.
I didn’t expect that Havisham had bequeathed all her property to me.
Because, she never supported me financially since I’d gone to Paris.
However it was not a big deal.
I couldn’t accept the fact of the truth of the relationship between Pip and me.
She had adopted me, she had adopted Pip as well and it could not fail to be her intention to bring us together.
I merely stood beside the table until Pip returned after seeing the lawyer off.
I remained quiet, Pip remained quiet too.
A profound silence between us seemed to last forever
I eventually broke the silence “I couldn’t believe it and the…”
I didn’t finish my words because I felt a strong thirst.
“I’ll get some fresh water for you” Pip moved to the kitchen
I eyed his back wondering how he was able to be so calm.

I sat slowly down on the sofa after drinking the cold water and started to unpack the small box. My two hands were quivering with rage.
I, however, eventually, picked up the diary from the box and pushed away the rest of the faded old documents.

March 05, 1925.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd

..........I’m really dying of hunger for your love ........
-From little Shakespeare-

He sent me Shakespeare’s sonnet again in the middle of literature class this afternoon, I don’t know how many times I’ve read it my favorite poem.
Shakespeare, he must be a treasure of England!
England should be proud of him!

Was it really coincidence or inevitably my destiny?
I met him in the library; we looked for the same book: ‘Macbeth’.
He smiled at me and I smiled back at him as we grasped the same book at the same time. Magic, yes, it must be magic.
Maybe God sent him to me.

Spring, a chill wind in the blooming season threatened to sprouting yellowish green leaves of the magnolia.
My room had grown chilly but I didn’t need any warm clothing because of his passionate love.
Tonight, I won’t be able to get to sleep.


May 12, 1925
My heart has been overflowing with joy since I met him.
My soul has also been taken away by him.
Every day, we discuss literature and every moment, I’m impressed by his very eloquent speech.
That’s why people call him ‘little Shakespeare’.

Oh, my love, I cannot breathe, because of you.
I cannot live without him.

October 30, 1925
I found her name in a program in the Sheldonian Theatre: ‘Grace, together with a *Stradivarius’. She’s a soloist of today’s concert which was for celebration of thanksgiving.
Her feature was very distinctive as an Asian among the members of the orchestra but there’s a kind of nobility around her.
Besides, I was very overwhelmed by her performance.
How could she play such powerful music that I’ve never ever heard.

I asked him about Grace as we walked out of the theatre.
William whispered into my ear, she’s Korean.
That’s all the information I got about her from him.

I thought that Korea maybe a part of China.
She’s from the Asian region, uncivilized nations that as far as I know, people eat dogs, whales and monkeys. Then, how could she afford the Stradivarius?
Ah, I’m not interested in such poor girl anymore.

November 23, 1925
William informed me that Grace, she’s born to be a musician so she has a bright future as a violinist. So, she has a benefactor, who donated the Stradivarius to her..

He seemed to admire her.
My sixth sense has meant an uneasy feeling of foreboding has slowly crept up to my head.
What’s wrong?

December 5th, 1925
What happened to him?
My mind has been full of anxiety about him all day long
He hasn’t attended any classes since the day before yesterday.
Where is he? Why didn’t he make contact with me?
Come, Please come quickly to me, I’m waiting for you.

I’ve been trying to change my mood, so I turned on the radio; ‘Once in Royal David’s city’ was sung by a single choir boy at the carols by candlelight services
Christmas season, carols flooded every corner of the street even though the government kept warning of an economic crisis.

Oh, my William, where are you?
Where are you?


April 17, 1926
April is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain
Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers…..

I stood beside the window and recited the poem ‘The Waste Land’.
It pierced my heart as I saw the flowing leaves of lilacs blown by the wind in the garden. It reminded me of the last time we had met at Oxford University.
“I’d like to return to my Oxford.” I murmured.
I remembered how much I’d been very proud of myself being a student of Oxford, since women have been eligible to be full members of the university.

Ah! April is truly the cruelest month.
My entire dream has been taken away by April;
It took away my parents from me,
It took away my lover William too.
It was heartbreaking; He fell in love with Grace.
How could he marry the yellowish girl?
How could he betray me in such a way?
Disappointed in love, I abandoned myself.

July 05, 1926
Indeed, time passed quickly, now I have managed to get out of this trauma.
“I’ll never return to the Oxford, William and the river Thames where we had frequently shared our dreams and ambitions.”
“But how could I forget him; he always lives in my mind all the time.”
I murmured.

From the next page, there were only dried flower petals and leaves arranged on each page. I turned them over one by one until I reached the new parts.

May 27, 1935
He never appeared at the church after all.
I was waiting for him till the moonlight stroked the stained glass at the church. My eyes were blinded by tears behind the long white veil.
The white satin ribbons of bridal flowers trembled with deep sorrow, and hopelessness. I got married to resentment instead of William.
I was afraid of going mad. I walked along the deserted road in the melancholy moonlight.
On my return to the Satis house, Estella ran out to greet me.
She stared at my hollowed eyes for a while but she didn’t ask anything about her father.

I’ve heard through the grape vine that William had been in the depths of despair.
He was addicted to alcohol and his poor self-esteem drove him to spend most of his time looking for prostitutes.
He didn’t care about Grace when she got pregnant and he kept insulting her.
Finally, Grace had committed suicide after giving birth to Estella.

Despite this, I strongly wanted him to get married.
I persuaded him in the power of love.
But he abandoned me again as he did in the past.
He left Estella to me and vanished.

July 10, 1941
Estella’s symptom was very serious; she didn’t go out even to school and she only wished to see Pip who lives with his uncle, Joe at Portmouth.
So, I hired Pip as Estella’s companion. However, I’d been thunderstruck when I saw Pip’s pendant which was engraved with my initial ‘H’ and his ‘W’ in a heart shape.
“Where did you get this?” I asked.
“My uncle, Joe gave it to me, ma’am.” Pip replied.
“Give it to me.”
“Sorry ma’am.” Pip stood before me, avoiding my eyes.
“Come nearer then; let me look at the pendant.” “Come close!”
I scrutinized it for a little while.
No doubt that it must be the pendant which I gave it to William as his birthday gift when we studied together at Oxford.
”Call Joe!” I shouted.

Joe’s dark eyes turned a little watery when I asked him about the pendant.
The pendant was from his cousin, Camilla, who once being a prostitute.
She died from cancer when Pip’s age of two and she only left a photo of William with the pendant, poor soul.
my heart was broken once again.
But “I’d like to adopt Pip.” I determined to say pointing the photograph of William, hanging on the wall of my living room.
Joe seemed to be shocked.

I couldn’t eat anything and refused even drinking water.
I closed all the windows with their installed iron bars and drew the curtains.
I wouldn’t come out; I wouldn’t let the sunlight in.
I locked myself in a cell at Satis house.

November 12, 1942
I felt I was gradually dying.
I had been madly in love, jealousy and clinging to the memories of him.
Standing in the dark hall, I called both Estella and Pip.
They tried to avoid my eager look.
Placing my hand on the left side of my chest, I asked them what I touched.
‘Your heart’ they replied
Broken! Broken my heart! I shouted.
And I laughed, laughed…..
Revenge!
You two should fall in love.
Break their hearts my pride and hope, break their hearts and have no mercy.
Yes, no mercy, you two, deserved it; Pip, you from an evil prostitute, and you, Estella also from a savage.
I laughed over and over convincing they were really half brother and sister.
If so, what have I done! What have I done!

***************************************

The gate bell rang loudly in the early next morning.
A man, who leaned over the vintage car at the gate of Satis house yesterday, visited me.
“How do you do?”
“I’m Jake and works for the US government.”
“And it’s my honor to meet you” “Estella.”
He introduced himself quietly but his eyes shone.
However, I couldn’t say anything as I saw the Stradivarius which he brought.
“I do apologize for being inconsiderate but I don’t have enough time to explain everything in advance.” He said calmly with consideration for my astonishment.

According to him, since the ‘Treaty of Korea Great Britain Amity and Commerce’ has signed in 1883, many British missionaries came to Korea.
They were however, persecuted as Japan invaded Korea.
Underwood, a missionary as well as a physician for the royal family, had urgently fled to England with Grace who was the last princess of Korea because; the Japanese had assassinated the queen and attempted to kill the rest of the royal family.
During her exile, the US took care of her as a benefactor, so she could afford such famous Stradivarius.
“You mean she only left it to me.”
“But there’s no trace of my mother.” I muttered.
I carefully opened the old wooden case, picked up the bow and pressed it firmly across the G string.
It seemed to me that the sound as if she’s groaning, languishing and heartbreaking; a mutual sympathy.
I could see her inner shadow.

It must be hers I thought.
“Now it’s time to visit home.” His word awoke me from deep thinking.
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“You are the witness of Korean’s history.” He said vividly.


Next day, I boarded in a US military plane.
A captain escorted me into the plane, and approximately 15 hours later I could see the mountains, rivers and the buildings below me.
Korea, my destination, I finally landed.
On arrival, my first sight was of the crowd with many placards: ‘미국은 물러가라!’ (Americans go away!) demonstrators marched yelling out their slogans.
People looked like me sometimes lifted their right hand and shouted a motto but I couldn’t understand what they said.
I frowned because of the flashes from the camera here and there; I was alien, I just stood there mute, holding tightly onto the Stradivarius.
I looked around trying to find Pip as I was at school surrounded by white peers. At that very moment, a sound struck my ears ‘Monkey’ someone called me ‘monkey’ I struggled covering up my ears and crouched behind a column but it was a hallucination. I let out a long relived sigh.

After a few moments, an interpreter came and he led me to another chamber.
He briefly introduced other guests and I was told about Korean history for approximately two hours.
The speaker emphasized the importance of military power which would protect South Korea from the communists of North Korea.
Nevertheless, I thought, the power of America tried to swallow the Koreans’ long -cherished desire to be an independent nation.

I gradually realized that I might be exploited.
I was an appropriate model to be used for their propaganda effect; a representative of history’s victim, the icon of Korea as the last member of the royal family. It surely appealed to the citizen to recall their shameful histories which should never ever be repeated.
Outside was still in an uproar.

*************************************************

I was up but it was too early yet to go outside the hotel
I took the elevator down to the hotel lounge which was full of the aroma of morning coffee.
“Good morning princess”
“Welcome to Korea, your home.”
With strong stress at the end of word, the receptionist politely gave me a newspapers with two hands.
There was my large photo with the Stradivarius on the front page of The Korean Times’; the last princess of Korea whose concert held……
….the US as the close ally…..the US protects the last princess…….

As I sat gazing across the Han River, which gleamed in the rising sun,
I realized how much had happened in the last eight days.
I began to miss Pip and Satis house.
A bitter smile broadened slowly on my face.

**********************************************************************


Ø *Verdi’s Requiem: a musical setting of the Roman Catholic funeral Mass by Giuseppe Verdi.
Ø *Dies irae: chorus, the second movement of Requiem which introduces the traditional sequence of the Latin funeral rite is repeated throughout for a sense of unity, which allows Verdi to explore the feelings of loss and sorrow as well as the human desire for forgiveness and mercy found in the intervening movements of the Requiem.
Ø *Stradivarius: a violin, manufactured from 1698 to 1725 by Antonio Stradivari is regarded as amongst the finest bowed stringed instrument ever created and highly prized.